The Perfect Storm

Idle...

2011-07-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

This is the weekend that I don't work. That I don't clean. That I don't do anything but love my boys. A long weekend at that. Its been wonderful.

And a disaster of sorts. and I gotta say...I am a bit restless. I am not very good at being idle. Being
still. Non-productive.

I have loved my boys. All 3 of them. Kobey joined me for a couple miles on Saturday morning. I have enjoyed Kai more than I have since he was born perhaps. Its been good...

And a disaster. We planned a weekend away. Then I got sick. Then we bought a boat instead. A boat that was "checked out and ready for the water." Long story short-its not in the water. Not to mention the grill caught fire. However briefly,it was long enough for Chad and I to look away and Kai to face plant into the deck from his slide. He looks like he has been in an MMA fight. And truth be told, I am probably gonna work a bit tonight. The weekend...A beautiful disaster. For the first time in awhile I see the beautiful and not just the disaster. A nice change of pace. Much needed perspective.

Superwoman?

2010-11-06T08:55:00.001-07:00

But where is my cape?

After I passed the Bar Exam I received the nicest messages from so many people. "Superwoman" was a word I heard a lot that day. When the congrats started rolling in I immediately started replying "haha. thanks but really I am trainwreck." It was a busy day and congrats were pouring in. I stopped replying. At the end of the day, I logged in and was overwhelmed by the outpour of kindness and congrats.

Superwoman was the last thing I felt like.

Superwoman is not what I see. I see the apartment that never quite gets clean or never stays that way. I see the 40lbs of law school weight that I still need to lose( not the 45lbs that I have since June). I see the marathons that I haven't run. I see my "Walmart Parenting" moments. But maybe that isn't what other people see? Maybe its time to cut myself a little slack. Focus on the things that I'm getting right...pretend that I am Superwoman for a day...without her cape.

Trick or Treat 2010

2010-11-01T04:41:00.000-07:00

Our first trick or treat with two kiddos...it proved to be a welcome distraction from waiting on bar results and another example of the sacrifices a big brother makes. For nearly 7 years it was just Kobey. That all changed in a flash with Kaiser's arrival. Kobey has been an amazingly good sport about his life getting turned upside down. There hasn't been any jealousy and he is all about his big brother duties. I am so proud of him and the way he has handled it all.

My heart aches for him at the same time. Trick or treat was a perfect example. I promised that we would walk around the neighborhood with one of his friends. We were running a little behind and they left without us. Kobey was so disappointed and REALLY wanted to try to catch up to them. "please mom...hurry!" he begged just as his little brother threw a screaming fit in the stroller. Everything had to stop to attempt to calm the screaching tiger. Kob looked back at me so disappointed but didn't say a word. He didn't complain and got over it quickly.
Yet another example of how nothing is about him anymore. We are all at the mercy of our new addition...including big brother.

Trick or Treat 2010-The kiddos were adorable. Brutus and my little tiger.

I PASSED THE OHIO BAR EXAM!!!!

2010-10-30T10:44:00.001-07:00

Results were released yesterday. I did it. Really did. Even with the baby and bedrest and all the nonsense. I did it.

Its over.

I pulled my old blog to look back at when the journey was just beginning.
Oh how far Ive come...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm a big girl now..

Current mood: accomplished

So...today is the big day. My new adventure begins. Officially begins. Opening Convocation Ceremony at Capital Law School. Oath of Professionalism. Presentation of the Gavels. All sounds very important, doesn't it? I bought a new suit yesterday. New purse and shoes are on the to do list for today. Even at 29 years old, it feels like I am playing dress up! But I'm not. I AM DOING THIS. Really doing it. Chasing a dream that I haven't been brave enough to chase or fool enough to let go. It has been floating around since I was a kid. And the time is now.

I have found myself in panic this week. Feeling overwhelmed by the specifics of law school and the curveballs life is throwing at me. Seriously feeling like I was in over my head and wanting to run home. Run somewhere. Somewhere familiar. Where I know something for certain. Where I feel safe and in control...even if I'm not. But today the tides turn and I chose to have a better attitude and focus on the amazing opportunity at hand. And give myself enough credit to know that I will be fine. And remember the most growth and the greatest treasures always come when you stretch yourself past all that is comfortable...push yourself to the brink of panic...take a deep breath and step forward anyway.

7:42 AM

Sunday, November 11, 2007

1L

Current mood: determined

Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

1L is what first year law students are called. I keep trying to explain to my friends and family who are in the "real world" rather than the alter existence known as law school, what its really like or why I can't go to things or just what all the fuss is about. I have failed miserably in doing so but last night I picked up the classic book "1L" that tells the tale of a 1st year law student in the 70's. I planned to read it over Christmas break but I read a few pages before I fell asleep last night. Alot has changed since the 70's but in the preface I found my explanation that perfectly captured how i feel...

" By Friday my will will be so brittle from sleeplessness and pressure and intellectual fatigue that I will not be certain I can make it through the day. After years off, I have begun to smoke cigarettes again; lately, I seem to be drinking a little every night. I do not have time to read a novel or a magazine, and I am so far removed from the news of world events that I often feel as if I have fallen off the dark side of the planet. I am distracted at most times and have difficulty keeping up a conversation, even with my wife. At random instants, I am likely to be strictened with acute feelings of panic, depression, indefinite need, and the pep talks and irony I practice on myself only seem to make it worse.

I am a law student in my first year at the law, and there are many moments when I am simply a mess."

8:49 AM

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Ongoing thoughts...1L

Current mood: productive

I love the feeling of reading something that explains exactly how I feel....only better than I ever could've. I have a feeling that this book is going to be full of those and I am only on page 17(but why am I reading this instead of typing contract notes???) I think I am going to record them here as I go....just to have them to look back on.

9/3/75(near midnight)

"Tried tonight to read a case for the first time. It is harder than hell...

(text ommitted)

OK. It was nine o'clock when I started reading. The case is four pages long and at 10:35 I finished. It was something like stirring concrete with my eyelashes. I had no idea what half the worlds meant. I must have opened Blacks Law Dictionary 25 times and I still can't understand many of the definitions. There are notations and numbers throughout the case whose purpose baffles me. And even now I'm not crystal clear on what the court finally decided to do. ...

(text ommitted)

Twenty minutes ago, I threw up my hands and quit. I feel overheated and a little bit nervous. I wouldn't be quite so upset if I weren't going to be reading cases every day and if understanding them weren't so important.

(text ommitted)

Well, tonight, the common law has prevailed over me, beaten me back. I suppose it will not be the last time, I feel frustrated and disturbed.

I am going to sleep."

9:35 AM

Training Partner

2010-10-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit it but my dear Girlie has felt the brunt of the changes around here. We used to walk or run at least once per day and she went everywhere with me in my old jeep. When the RA worsened and the workload increased, the runs turned to walks and they weren't everyday. When bedrest hit, the walks turned to Chad opening the door for her to pee. With a baby on the way on a law student budget, the jeep had to be sold. Poor me and poor Girlie.

Then I started walking again. The stroller and the dog seemed like too much so she would watch sadly from the upstairs window. Then I felt ready to run again...starting slowly. After reading Run Like a Mother, it was obvious that if I was going to be serious about training it was going to have to be in the morning. Early in the morning. So for the last two weeks, my alarm rings at 4:50am. I stumble down the stairs-repeating "dont think, just go" over and over again. I start the Kuerig, climb into my clothes, chug the coffee and head out the door...with my dear Girlie. She is so happy.I remember that we used to be friends, the mutt and me. Before life got so crazy and so hectic. We ran and we rode with the wind blowing. It was pretty simple. Quiet companionship. And now we have our mornings. And apparently I am accountable to her. Last Thursday was my "rest" day. At 4:50am this quiet, well mannered dog was whining bedside, jumping and licking my legs. "get up! lets do this!" she seemed to be saying. This morning I hit snooze thinking I would just take Kai with me in the jogger later today. 4:50am-there she was. Jazzed and ready to go. So I have a training partner...with a built in alarm for our training schedule. Perfect quiet companionship.Me and Girlie.

Old Shoes

2010-10-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

I had been tossing around what to do about my feet. RA has wrecked them and my current running shoes-while sassy and expensive-kill my feet. New shoes are not in the budget. My follow through lately does not warrant straying from the budget.

Oh what to do?

Then I remembered...(or God whispered) that I held on to my most favorite running shoes every time I purged my closet. I just couldn't part with them. So many memories. So many miles. I found them tucked neatly in their box in the top of my closet. Grey where they used to be white. Tattered laces and worn soles.

I got totally sentimental with these shoes. These shoes saw me through the Couch to 5K program, they saw my first miles, they saw me transform and my mileage climb. They saw me through a divorce and a breakdown. Through applying to law school and trying to sell my house. They saw me through flat broke and my goal weight. They saw me through hot hot summer afternoon runs when I had been to lazy or busy to do it in the morning but too devoted to skip them. They saw me through track time, lake white and bristol village. They saw me through days when I felt fast and proud and days when I was sure I couldn't take another step. I logged hundreds miles in those shoes. I remember how excited when the Nike Plus reported that I had hit 200. Those shoes saw me through the most turbulent time of my life.

It only seemed fitting to pull them out. After all, I was getting back to basics and the things I learned during that very time period. I know those shoes have went beyond the recommended mileage for running shoes but I bought some new insoles and laced them up. 6 days back together. We are like a couple of old friends. I know I need to get fitted once the budget allows or my follow through warrants it...especially with the RA but for now...its me and my old shoes at 5am.

Looking back...moving forward

2010-10-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been a serious time of reflection for me. It was no secret that bedrest for so long really did a number on my life and with that a nasty depression set in. Some of it lifted once the baby was born but it didn't disappear like I had hoped. I still had this anxious, bitter, short tempered thing brewing under the surface. The Bar Exam kept me distracted but once it was over...it was just me...being a me that I didn't like very much. I gave it a little time and space but instead of passing...it just festered.

I started working through The Artist Way again. The last time I did it was during one of the roughest patches in my life and I came out the other side stronger. I figured when all else fails, do what worked before? Well...that simple thought lead to big revelations.

What did I do before when I felt like my entire life had fallen apart, money was beyond tight and I had no idea when and if things were going to come together?

I took care of myself. I wrote, I ran, I took some time of out each week to do little things just for me. I focused on the things I had control over and could make better. I was strong and fit and happy! Even before things came together. I was happy in spite of the circumstances and even happier when life's tides turned.

So how was it that in the worst time of my life I was the kindest to myself?

Then the other pieces of my life slowly fell into place...one by one and I slowly stopped doing all of things that I was doing to keep me in my happy place. As life got better and better...the things out of my control...I stopped doing the things in my control. I didn't run, I didn't write, I didn't do a thing for myself. Results? A bitter, jaded, moody momma. No one wants to live with that. Regardless of finances, job stresses or whatever else life has dealt...I can still run. I can still write. I can still do the little things that keep me in my happy place. Simple yet life changing when implemented.

So I started writing. I started doing a few of the little things. I just finished reading Run Like a Mother. So tomorrow the alarm is set for 5am and I am claiming some me time before the boys are even out of bed. Returning to my happy place.

Blessed.

2010-03-28T11:08:00.001-07:00

I have devoted a fair amount of energy to feeling sorry for myself lately. This bedrest business has not been my cup of tea. I feel like someone hit pause on my well planned agenda while the world outside my window is carrying on as normal. Like everything is spinning out of my control.

But today...I feel blessed. A little change in my attitude has made a big difference. Granted I don't like pause, it is forcing me to step back a little. And I am reminded that it is all out of my control anyway. So I might as well take a deep breath and let it all unfold as it may. I am not charge and sometimes that is a good thing. ;)

Bedrest

2010-03-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

Seeing how I am confined to a queen size rectangle of space...it seems like as good a time as any to pick back up on the blogging.

Bedrest. Dr. ordered torture. I hate it.

I am trying to have a good attitude. And think of the little guy and how much it will all be worth it in the end. But really...I am over it. And a little bit bitter.

I mean...I was cruising alone just fine. Better than fine even. This pregnancy was a breeze compared to my first. Little to no vomitting. 14 hours days many days and I was doing A-ok. Work was going great. Dream job seemed to be in the pipe. Creeping up on law school graduation. Living the dream and thinking I could have a few more kids down the road.

WRONG.

25 weeks. Indescribable headache that would not go away. Skyhigh bloodpressure. Dr freaks. PREECLAMSIA. and its too early to deliver the little guy unless we absolutely HAVE to.

Solution? Yup. Bedrest. 24/7. Confined to my bed. The good news is that I don't have to be in the hospital yet. Although the threat of it keeps me following orders. Or mostly following orders. My labs have been stable for 2 weeks so I am still at home. For that, I am thankful.

The rest pretty much sucks.

Most of the time, my head hurts too bad to work much. Its really the craziest of headaches. I have "to do" lists for pages but can only do so much of it from this spot. And it turns out that husbands do not "nest." And their idea of "clean" and yours are somewhat different. And sometimes it is easier to be thirsty than to constantly have to bother someone. And who knew I would feel so guilty?

But I do know its necessary and for a good cause. And I am totally willing to do it. Just not be happy about it, I guess.

My Boys

2010-02-02T14:43:00.000-08:00

Things seem crazy and hectic lately and everything is up in the air but I look at these two faces and I can't help but smile. I love these boys. These mischievious, farting to irritate me, learn the same lessons over and over boys. They have learned to work together against me and sometimes work together to surprise me. They make me so mad that I could scream and so happy I could cry. They make me laugh. They laugh at me. Hard to believe that soon there will be one more boy in the mix. Life has a funny way of turning out.

MIA: Return with a Collection of My Fav Anne Lamott Quotes

2010-02-01T10:29:00.000-08:00

Life has had a way of reminding me of alot of things lately. Nothing is certain. Faith is hard. I control about 1/100th of the things that I sometimes think I do. This big crazy world is spinning around. So I did what I always do when every thing seems more than I can bare and I feel so ill equiped to even attempt to handle things...I whisper, Anne's little prayer. "Help." Then as some time passes and a little grace creeps in, I return to the living and look for my copy of Traveling Mercies or Grace Eventually or just my collection of her quotes. Anne makes me smile and not feel so broken and I get back to work. Thought I would post my favorites here but I couldn't find one of my favorites...about the wailing wall...

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." — Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

"I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us." — Anne Lamott

"You can either practice being right or practice being kind." — Anne Lamott

"I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish." — Anne Lamott

"And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore." — Anne Lamott (Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year)

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." — Anne Lamott

"I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me--that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns." — Anne Lamott (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith)

"It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said 'do the best you can with these, they will have to do'. And mostly, against all odds, they do. " — Anne Lamott (Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith)

"You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." — Anne Lamott

"You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." — Anne Lamott

"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining." — Anne Lamott

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it." — Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

""I wish grace and healing were more abracadabra kind of things. Also, that delicate silver bells would ring to announce grace's arrival. But no, it's clog and slog and scootch, on the floor, in the silence, in the dark."" — Anne Lamott (Grace [Eventually]: Thoughts on Faith)

"Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are. From her graduation commencement address to Berkeley." — Anne Lamott

"Not forgiving is like drinking cat poison and then waiting for the rat to die." — Anne Lamott

"Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there." — Anne Lamott

"Sometimes grace works like water wings when you feel you are sinking." — Anne Lamott (Grace [Eventually]: Thoughts on Faith)

"'I liked those ladies! They were helpers, and they danced.' These are the words I want on my gravestone: that I was a helper, and that I danced." — Anne Lamott (Grace [Eventually]: Thoughts on Faith)

"Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. You're done. It doesn't necessarily mean that you want to have lunch with the person. If you keep hitting back, you stay trapped in the nightmare..." — Anne Lamott (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith)

Wingin It

2009-08-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

I have been flying by the seat of my pants in most circumstances for the last 3 years. Once it really settled in that, while I had my whole life planned out, not a single thing had gone how I planned... I decided to take my hands out of it. For the most part it works for me. It eliminated a ton of stress especially over things that I so egotistically thought I had some control over. Sometimes it creates stress because I have failed to plan where necessary but all in all I am pleased with the method to my madness. But isn't there always an exception?

Some decisions just have to be made. I have let them go and tried not to stress in the hopes that things would either 1)take care of themselves or 2)an answer would become crystal clear. Crazy as it sounds, I have found that if I just keep my hands out of things...one of the two often happens!

But alas back to the exception...the times when I just have to decide.

My mind full questions.
Not an answer in sight.
I spin the issue one way.
Then I spin it the other.
Perfectly reasonable arguments for each side.
No resolution in sight.
Maybe I'll find a Magic 8 Ball and see what the future holds.

Fall is Coming...

2009-08-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to battle my sadness and disappointment over "The Summer That Never Was" I decided to just be thankful and look forward instead of back. Novel idea, huh? Whatever. I'm trying :) It doesn't have to be about summer ending. It might as well be about Fall coming!

And that is a good thing. Changing leaves. Comfy clothes. And a few of the highlights for me:

A brand new beginning full of possibilities!

maybe this will be the semester when I get it all together! :)

SCHOOL SUPPLIES!

I LOVE new school supplies. Always have. Pretty notebooks, fun pens. The school supply aisle makes me happy. :)

Buckeyes Football

There is no place on earth like Columbus, Ohio in the fall. Random O-H-I-O's. An entire city in scarlet and gray. Love,love,love it.

The return of all things pumpkin!

Pumpkin lattes from Starbucks, pumpkin cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory...need I go on?

Fall doesn't seem so bad after all.

Really? Summer is over already? I am just getting started!

2009-08-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

I hae absolutely no idea how this happened. One.more.week. of summer. Craziness. I was just getting started. I have no tan. Have barely been to the pool. Beach vaca was cancelled. All the things that I put off during the school year remain undone. I'm startled by the winding down of a summer that barely got started.

Although, I have no idea why I am shocked by the shock.

This happens to me OFTEN. I have absolutely no concept of time. It drives my hubby nuts I do believe. 5 minutes or 5 hours could have passed and often I am unaware. Then, once I realize..I am shocked and the shock turns to stress. This happens nearly every single day at our house. And every single time I am shocked. Truly startled by what the clock reads...left wondering "how on earth did this happen?" But today it is calendar and not the clock that has shocked me. Go figure.

HELP

2009-06-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

Maxed out and frazzled...I find myself wanting to shout SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only to realize that they only person that can help me...is myself.

Grace Eventually

2009-05-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

By Anne Lamott...

"At twenty-one, I still believed that if you could only get to see sunrise at Stonehenge, or full moon at the Taj Mahal, you would be nabbed by the truth. And then you would be well and able to relax and feel fully alive. But I actually knew a few true things: I had figured out that truth and freedom were pretty much the same. And that almsot everyone was struggling to wake up, to be loved, and not feel so afraid all the time. That's what the cars, degrees, booze, and drugs were about."

"I learned mostly from drugs and great books.: I was a lifelong reading girl. I already believed that there was something in me that could not be touched or destroyed that you could call my soul. And I was part of two wings of the community-the smartest, funniest alcoholics and the seekers, who had designed lives based on spiritual values and tried to live up to them. I loved equally reading the great literature and getting wasted."

(about the wailing wall) " See, somtimes, if you are lucky, you get a point where you're sick of a problem, or worn down by tinkering with it, or clutching it. And letting it go, maybe writing it down and sending it away, buys you some time and space, so maybe freedom and humor sneak in-which is probably what you were praying for all along."

Where has my baby gone?

2009-05-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Just adding some entries from my old blog so I have them in one place.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

All of the sudden I am the mother of a boy. My baby is gone. I'm not sure when or how it happened but he is gone. I am reminded all the time...in a million little ways that time is flying by. For instance, he decided that he no longer kisses me. Only hugs. He gives me the exasperated....Mooooooooooooooooommmmmm when I embarass or annoy him now. He wants to know how to spell words. He even sleeps in his own bed without too much complaint these days. He is constantly demonstrating how smart he is and reasons like a true lawyer to be.
And then...there are days like friday. We were standing in the hall and I was zipping up his footed pj's. The soft snuggly ones that I love...that he has worn since he was a newborn and I am thrilled that they now make them in big boy sizes. I'm feeling all nostalgic when he exclaims...

MOM, WATCH MY NUTS!

Yes, my friends, his nuts. I about had a heart attack. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry or scold him so I calmly fought back laughter(which is more than I can say for Chad!) and asked where on earth he learned about nuts. He said his friend Alex, shrugged his shoulders and headed down the stairs. My baby.
And the worst part is...I know that it has only just begun.

Fresh Start

2009-04-29T04:24:00.000-07:00

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. Mary Pickford

I broke down yesterday and went to the rhumatologist. Not because I wanted to but because I really didn't have a choice. The difference between falling down and staying down I suppose. And I refuse to stay down. I took the methotrexate shot yesterday and started the steriods again. I hate them...the side effects and all that goes with it BUT I love how I feel when the RA is under control...when my life is somewhat under control. I have lots to do and lots to be thankful for...so I will take the meds and start fresh. Today. No looking back over the last 6 months and all of the "falling down." I start today...with today and today only. The things I want and need to do to make myself and my boys happy. Just today. No more, no less. A fresh start.

Step Away from the Ledge....

2009-04-22T16:21:00.001-07:00

Somebody talk me down...

Its been one of those days. One of those-I have officially lost my mind-am fresh out of coping skills-and am completely maxed out-kind of days.

Most of the time I can talk myself down off the ledge. I can clear my head. Get a grip. Start with a fresh perspective. Unfortunately, this time none of the usuals from my bag of tricks is working. I can't seem to shake it. I know tomorrow is a brand new day...full of brand new chances but it isn't shaking this helpless, overwhelmed, disappointed, stressed out yuck that I am carrying...

And the boys. My poor boys. I know I am not a very happy wife and momma right now. And they are both on their best behavior. Trying their best and ready for me to be back to normal. But not nearly as ready as I am.

Sprinkles

2009-04-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

Lately I have managed to get myself all worked up about a house, babies, all sorts of things. I have been so wrapped up in figuring out the things to come that I have lost focus of all the good that is living in the "right now." I have absolutely everything I need. Life is good. So very much to be thankful for. A fantastic husband. A hilarious and kind little boy. Only 1 year of law school left. Once I slowed myself down...it was clear that the rest was just sprinkles! More kids, a bigger place, whatever lies ahead.... It all sounds fantastic but even if things stay exactly as they are now...I am still a very lucky girl.

QUOTE to remember...

2009-04-16T10:18:00.001-07:00

“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” Barbara De Angelis quotes

Some Thoughts on Running

2009-04-16T09:45:00.001-07:00

A few years ago my life was literally in pieces and I made a life changing discovery. When everything had fallen apart, you get the chance to put it back together however you chose. I got a do over That broken time turned out to be full of blessings and oppurtunity. I took it very seriously. I made all sorts of changes. I wanted to sell my house. I wanted to quit my job. I wanted to go back to law school. I wanted to move to Columbus. I did all of those things.

But during that time I got to make alot of small choices about the kind of person that I wanted to be...the kind of life I wanted to live. The kind of single momma that I wanted to be. The type of relationships that I was and was not willing to be in. There were all sorts of these types of choices made but one of them was that I wanted to be a runner. Random I know. My excuse had always been that "I wasn't a runner." As if it is a gene that you are born with. During this time, I started to see it differently. I noticed that highly successful people were almost always runners...CEO's, presidents, you name it. Runners. I started to ponder it and decided that maybe they "weren't runners" either. Maybe they didn't have that gene..perhaps they weren't born runners instead they DECIDED to be runners. To learn to push themselves. To be committed and dedicated and focused. To be mentally strong enough to move beyond what they "felt" like doing. Those were the things I wanted to be. So I became a runner.

It was slow and ugly at first. I printed the Couch to 5K program. I did what it said and completed a few 5K's. It felt great. I felt like I could do anything. I trained for a 10K. I ran daily. It was my time to myself. My time to think. To pray. My reminder that I was strong enough. That I could move beyond what I felt like.That I could do anything I decided to if I just showed up. And I ran no matter what...regardless of my schedule, the weather, my mood. I ran. It was my lifeline.

Then, over time, I picked up the pieces of my broken little life and put them together just how I wanted them. I slowly healed old wounds and went on new adventures. Life was good. As months passed, I wasn't broken any more. And I ran less and less. Until I didn't run at all anymore.

And now here I am. 15 lbs. heavier. Out of shape. Out of balance. And starting over.

Its odd really. The better my life got, the less I thought I needed my lifeline. Subconsciously, of course, but I have gotten further and further away from the very thing that kept me grounded when everything fell apart. Like I didn't need it anymore. But I did. I do. So I humbly start over.

Out of Shape

2009-04-14T11:34:00.000-07:00

Somehow I have managed to let myself get completely out of shape over the last year. I am down. Frustrated. Disppointed. Busting out of my clothes. And registered for a 5K in 32 days.

I clearly have some MAJOR work to do. In a pretty short amount of time. I feel waves of self-loathing as I think about my current state of affairs. I literally cannot believe that I let myself get to this point. At the same time, I KNOW that is counter-productive and that I just have to pull myself up and start where I am. Which is PAINFULLY.OUT.OF.SHAPE.

The Couch to 5K program has been reprinted. I am literally back at Square One. And have zero margin for error at this point. 32 days...God help me.

Fundamentally Different

2009-04-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

Chatted it up today with a friend going through the post-divorce dating roller coaster.

I am not sure that I was much help. I kept circling back to the age old "when you know, you know." The most annoying phrase to those who aren't sure that they know. Doubted by all...all BUT the ones who know. Once you've been there, it makes perfect sense. When you are the one confused and grasping at straws...it seems like complete horseshit. It can't be that simple. When you know, you know? Really?

Yep. I think of all the countless hours, weeks, months, years that I spent trying to figure out what I would never ever know...simply because it wasn't right. Wasted Time. Lessons learned I suppose. But I could've just waited until I knew.

But how do you know when you know? If you are asking then you don't. I couldn't come up with a single thing more profound than I knew. That with Chad it was fundamentally different. Profound yet simple. I knew.

RA

2009-04-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

DefinitionBy Mayo Clinic staff
Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes joint pain and damage. Rheumatoid arthritis attacks the lining of your joints (synovium) causing swelling that can result in aching and throbbing and eventually deformity. Sometimes rheumatoid arthritis symptoms make even the simplest activities — such as opening a jar or taking a walk — difficult to manage.

I was diagnosed with RA in August of 2007 completely out of no where. I had a "knot" on my wrist that at first glance seemed to be a cyst. Then my wrist was so stiff that movement was impossible. It was like stone. So I called my doc. He tried to drain it with no luck and sent me off to a specialist. The specialist scheduled me for surgery and explained that it was likely a type of cyst that grows "tennacles" and that was what was immobilizing my wrist. I just wanted it taken care of before my insurance ended and before my move to the big city to start law school. The surgeon got in my wrist and discovered the wrist of a 65 year old. The knot was hardened synovial tissue and I had RA. I was 29 years old.

I didn't accept it at first. He sent me to a Rhumatologist. He explained disability benefits because my levels were so high. He explained to me that it was an asymetrical disease...that if it affects one side of my body that it would do the same on the other side. I wasn't buying it. It was my right hand that had the surgery. I was left handed. All was good. It was not going to affect my left hand. I needed my left hand for law school. Weeks later...it was in my left hand. He explained to me that if it affected my hands, it would affect my feet. I didn't buy it. My feet were fine. Iwas training for a half marathon and had just run a couple 5ks. Within weeks, my feet were a wreck. He explained that the larger joints were next. My hips and shoulders are the worst for me. For some strange reason my elbows NEVER hurt. Never. Even when its really bad and I hurt all over. Never my elbows. It baffles me. Something to be thankful for I suppose.

Anyway, I started on methotrexate injections each week. Its a chemotherapy drug. With RA, my white blood cells attack and destroy my joints. The chemo kills my white blood cells. It wasn't much fun at first while my body adjusted to the poison but it was working. Prednisone, a steriod, rounded out my pharmacutical cocktail. All in all I managed pretty well for a little over a year.

Then I got married and started talking babies. I have big plans for a whole litter! I then discovered that the methotrexate causes terrible birth defects for a long time. No more meds for me. So for the last 9 months I have been battled the RA on my own. As of today, I am throwing in the towel...and admitting that it is kicking my ass. And I don't know what to do.

I am running a low grade fever for days at a time. The fatigue feels like the flu. And the pain. I don't even know what to say about that. I found a quote from another lady that described it this way...“My RA is like having bee stings in every joint. Hands, feet, knees, shoulders and elbows.” Good news is that my elbows are fine! :) Its a burning pain, that alternates between a deep, deep ache and sharp stinging.

The return of the cold weather has only exasperated the process. My left ankle will not bend. My hips ache so badly that I shift around in my chair every few minutes while studying. Friday I dumped hot coffee in my own face and down my chest because my hands were so stiff and lacked control. I was just trying to take a drink. I checked into a hotel on saturday that had a jacuzzi in the room in the hopes that it would ease my pain. It helped. But not nearly enough. When I stand up these days I have to hold something for support. Several times this weekend I had to ask Chad to wait because I couldn't move yet. I have barely gotten out of sweat pants and acted like I am lazy but truthfully I cannot button on my own right now. I feel handicapped and helpless. I feel like I am at rock bottom. Alone.

I have tried to minimize it to Chad. I have barely said a word. He hasn't put it all together yet. He commented on me struggled up the stairs. And the sweatpants. But my silence is working so far.I have purposely avoided my mother. She sees right through me...even on the telephone. So I have been suffering silently...probably the worst it has ever been. I have had more intense flare ups but they pass quickly. This isn't budging. And still I am silent.

Not because my family isn't supportive but I know exactly what Chad and my Mom will say. Go back on the meds. They don't want me to suffer. But if I go back on the meds...that means no babies. No babies for awhile. I have been set on no meds. I am 31 years old. I want more babies. Several...before I am 40. It took me years to have Kobey. I don't wanna mess around with these meds. I want to be a momma again.

But right now, I don't know if I can do it. If I can hold out. So I stay quiet. Because I know if Chad and Mom have any idea, they will push for the meds...for me to be healthy, happy. And I don't feel strong enough to argue with them at this point. I feel defeated. Like a 31 yr old trapped in a 70 year old body. Fighting a losing battle with my own blood cells.

And I know I should be thankful that it is not cancer. That is what I try to constantly tell myself. And I am . It could be so much worse. And maybe I am wallowing in my own pain and self pity but today I cannot see beyond. But I will get up and try again tomorrow...

Waiting

2009-04-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am not a very patient person. Some of my biggest mistakes in life have been made when I should've been patient. My Dad tried to make me see that a long time ago. Not knowing what to do or what is going to happen is one of my biggest fear and I didn't even realize it. I don't wait around and stress. I take control of the situation (or so I thought!) and make a decision and go with it 110%. That was my solution. I no longer had to wait and see what happened. I pick something and JUMP. I make something happen.

Seems like a good enough idea. Problem is...it was often the WRONG thing that I made happen. IF I had just been patient, things would have come together differently. Or I would've seen things differently. But no...I somehow became my own worst enemy. I JUMP.

So the last few years I have really been working on this. I stumbled across the quote a couple summers back that stuck with me...

"Be still. Be still until you know what you know and feel what you feel. "

Simple enough. That would solve alot of my problems. Save me from myself perhaps. But it doesn't come naturally. I constantly have to check myself.

And just when I think I have it all figured out...God reminds me that I don't.

I am fairly sure that I entertain him at times. I do try. But sometimes I am like the dog that chases his tail. So He reminds me when I am not being patient. And He steps in on occasion and saves me from myself.

At the moment, I am waiting to hear from 2 job interviews. The first was a done deal...or so I thought. Perphaps I misunderstood but I thought all that was left to do was iron out the $ piece of it. And I am still waiting on the details. Trying to be patient. Uggghhhh. Then I go to another interview, thinking it was just a back up plan. And found myself amazed as the topics turned to my interests exactly. And a potential project that I could get really excited about. So what will I do? Which would I chose? What will they pay? Which am I supposed to do? Will either of them work out? Then today, purely by happenstance, or so it would seem, I chat with a lady whose family member works at a company that I didn't even know existed...and is yet another possibility to persue. Maybe a better fit yet!

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and it seems that God has spent the last week proving to me that, in fact, I do not. That I need to just be patient and let some things play out. See what comes together. Try to do a little damage control before making a rash decision and JUMP...all because I don't want to be patient.

So Spring Break is over...

2009-03-30T07:03:00.001-07:00

And it is back to the grind today. I wish I could report a trip to a sandy beach somewhere...or even gloat about all of the things that I got done around the house...or that all of my outlines are complete and ready for finals. But none of those would be true. I was feeling sorry for myself because I really felt the itch to travel lately. It just wasn't in the cards this year.

Instead...I did spend a fantastic weekend 10 miles from home at Fort Rapids Water Park. One night with friends and the next with family. Kobey had a blast.

And so did we, I suppose. Although it wasn't a real vacation...perhaps it is all in how you look at it! It was 84 degrees around the clock. We swam and played and laughed til our bellies hurt. No one got sunburnt. We didn't have to road trip and deal with traffic, potty breaks and gas prices. We didn't have to deal with airports or flight delays or lost luggage. Maybe it was just perfect after all.

I did get a few things done around the house. Closets cleaned out at least.

And I had 2 interviews that went really well.

And I shopped with an old friend and had Chipotle with the girls.

I got to hang out with my brother and his wife and DARLING neice Delilah and my parents too.

We helped Chad's step mom celebrate her 50th bday and his sis flew in from Arizona.

Saturday I got a chance to have lunch with 2 of my dearest friends that I don't get to see as often as I used to.

Yesterday we rounded out the week with Monsters v. Aliens in the Imax and 3d. Kobey was hilarious! He tried to touch the things in 3D and ducked every time something appeared to be flying in our direction. He LOVED it.

So really I had a fantastic week surrounded by people that I love...and I should count my blessings. There will be plenty of time for travel and sandy beaches in days to come.

Class Clown

2009-03-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

Apparently this sweet sweet little boy...

Is being this little boy at school these days....

And I am about to lose my mind.

He has pulled 3 slips (warning notice) in 8 days.

He informed me that he is the "luckiest card puller" because they haven't been in the same week (Fri. Mon. Mon.) so he hasn't went from yellow to red.

Nana focuses on the fact that it has been 3 slips in his entire year of kindergarten.

I say 3 slips in 8 days. Clearly we have a problem on our hands.

This is the conversation that we had last night:

Me: Did you pull a card today?
K: I don't remember. (He remembers everything I am not buying it. We repeat the same dialogue again)
Me: If I have to call Mrs. Gabel at her house because you will not tell me then you are going to be in big trouble!!! I am going to ask you 1 more time....( I have resorted to fear tactics)
K: I am going to ask you a question, okay?
Me: Okay...
K: I need to know how many days that I am in trouble if I tell you and how many days that I am going to be in trouble if you have to call Mrs. Gabel?
ME: I am not answering that!!!! you get to your room and sit on your bed until you are ready to tell me what happened at school today!!!

Now, the soon-to-be lawyer in me can respect his desire to have all the information before he gives his answer but the Momma in me about lost it. He is his mother's son. That is for certain.

I have no idea what to do. I took TV away. Twice. Once for an entire week. At the same time...he is the youngest kid in his class. He has been good all year.

And I mean... come on.... have you met his father?!? Kobey is bound to be a little goofy and socially inappropriate at times.

So he lost tv last night. Nana suggested 1 day at a time. Seemed reasonable to me.

So now we wait for today's report...

Ahhhhh....if he would just listen. I mean it seems simple enough. But kids have to go trying to figure things out for themselves...making a mess of things. Driving their parents mad.

Which brings me back to losing my mind.

I, myself, have never been very good at doing things the way they were supposed to be done. What on earth am I going to do with a little man of the same mentality? Dear God...help us all.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

I love St. Patty's Day. I've been a big fan of green beer for years. Kobey was pumped last year about the Leprechans that came to Preschool and left glitter trails and upside down furniture and played tricks all week. Last year it was even the turning point for myself and Mr. Keesee.

St. Patty's Day...Definately a day to be celebrated!

And of course...I had big plans. I was going to do something special for Chad. And play Leprechan for Kobey. And drink green beer with the friends. Celebrate indeed.

Instead, I was lucky to get up with the alarm. Made lunches. Did some homework and got us out the door on time...Kobey and I both wearing green. That counts for something right? I would play Leprechan later and pick up some treats for the boys. I had the whole day ahead of me!

Then I arrive at school only to realize that I forgot the correct book AGAIN and had to run home between class and work. So I am late and chasing my tail in circles. Which seems to be par for the course lately.

And I am Slim Fasting because I have gained 15lbs in the last year. And I am not feeling it at the moment.

I have a spliting headache.

And another class to attend.

And I don't want to play Leprechan. Or drink green beer. Or really do much of anything at this point! I want a do-over...a chance to try again tomorrow....because TOMORROW...that is the day I get it all together! ;)