Transition

Funny how clarity comes in bits and pieces sometimes...a piece meal of understanding, a little bit at a time...until you have a patchwork of an epiphany and things somehow make sense.  A magic 8 ball approach would be much quicker and alot less painful but alas...I am not the master of the universe... so I struggle through the process the same as everyone else.

This time it is about transition.  Chad mentions to me that Kobey has no idea what to do with himself on the first few days of summer vacation. He is happy...pumped even... but a little bit lost.  I nod that I understand and the conversation moves onto something else.  A day later I have a mini-conversation with Kobey about the issue and let him know that I understand the feeling and that sometimes it takes a little time to settle into change.  Then a communiting phone call with a friend leads to my confession that I feel grouchy with everyone lately and have not been my best self...how weird it is that I feel so happy with the new job and new schedule but also feel so overwhelmed and that "everything" seems to be catching up to me...all the things that I haven't done or haven't noticed have now taken over-even the good things. I feel buried and unsettled. But happy.

And like a flash of lightning it all comes together.   I am struggling in the transition.  Unsure of what to do, how to be, regardless of being all kinds of happy about the change.   Alot of the things that used to make me-ME have fallen by the wayside during law school, a new marriage, a new child, bar exam, and life in a law firm.  Now I have time but am not sure who exactly I am now.  I am not my old self but am not quite a new self either.  I haven't settled into the gap yet. All at once it was clear.  A friend asked-do you even write anymore? take pictures? create anything? She points out that I am pretty left-brained and my right brain has gotten all of the attention over the last few years.  And the social me? Gone.  Alot of the fundamental things that she would've used to describe me don't even exist in my world anymore. Oyyyyyyy.  Shocking, true, scary and full of promise and oppurtunity all at the same time.  Finally, I can put my finger on the grouchy, unsettled feeling that has been swirling around me for weeks.  And I feel excited about yet another new beginning...a chance to create a life that I love. again.