December Daily-Day 1

Resurrecting the blog to track our activities for the December Daily album. In all of my free time since I left the firm, I have taken up scrapbooking again-in a slightly modified format but I am back to being the family memory keeper. And.I.Love.It. Also in said extra time-I have plotted 25 days of Christmas activities.

Day 1=success.

A little decorating (which is a success in and of itself since ALL Of my Christmas decorations from over the years were ruined last year.  That is a story for another day!)

 

 

And onto the tree!!! We headed out to the same tree farm that we visited last year-Saum's Family Farm off of St. Rt. 159. We searched and searched and searched. The boys even hitched a ride on the tree cart.



When I spied this beauty at the very LAST row in the back of the tree farm. Chad wasn't thrilled about the size of the tree in general...or the size of the trunk that he was going to have to saw through....but I was.in.love. And.....wait for it....it was FIFTEEN dollars. Yes, my friends, $15. The thing is 12+++feet tall and probably 5 feet wide. PERFECT. Being the phenomenal husband that he is....he agreed.

 

 

It wasn't easy but it was up for the task.

 

 

The boys and I waited patiently...Kobey even got a shot of me.  I soooooo wish I had lost the baby weight but I at least I get to be part of the story.

Once it was finally down...we had to make the LONGGGGG trek back to the front of the farm.

 

And now this beauty (beast?) is in my dining room! She needs more lights and a few finishing touches and Chad to rig up the star somehow but... IT IS BEGINNING TO LOOK ALOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!

Transition

Funny how clarity comes in bits and pieces sometimes...a piece meal of understanding, a little bit at a time...until you have a patchwork of an epiphany and things somehow make sense.  A magic 8 ball approach would be much quicker and alot less painful but alas...I am not the master of the universe... so I struggle through the process the same as everyone else.

This time it is about transition.  Chad mentions to me that Kobey has no idea what to do with himself on the first few days of summer vacation. He is happy...pumped even... but a little bit lost.  I nod that I understand and the conversation moves onto something else.  A day later I have a mini-conversation with Kobey about the issue and let him know that I understand the feeling and that sometimes it takes a little time to settle into change.  Then a communiting phone call with a friend leads to my confession that I feel grouchy with everyone lately and have not been my best self...how weird it is that I feel so happy with the new job and new schedule but also feel so overwhelmed and that "everything" seems to be catching up to me...all the things that I haven't done or haven't noticed have now taken over-even the good things. I feel buried and unsettled. But happy.

And like a flash of lightning it all comes together.   I am struggling in the transition.  Unsure of what to do, how to be, regardless of being all kinds of happy about the change.   Alot of the things that used to make me-ME have fallen by the wayside during law school, a new marriage, a new child, bar exam, and life in a law firm.  Now I have time but am not sure who exactly I am now.  I am not my old self but am not quite a new self either.  I haven't settled into the gap yet. All at once it was clear.  A friend asked-do you even write anymore? take pictures? create anything? She points out that I am pretty left-brained and my right brain has gotten all of the attention over the last few years.  And the social me? Gone.  Alot of the fundamental things that she would've used to describe me don't even exist in my world anymore. Oyyyyyyy.  Shocking, true, scary and full of promise and oppurtunity all at the same time.  Finally, I can put my finger on the grouchy, unsettled feeling that has been swirling around me for weeks.  And I feel excited about yet another new beginning...a chance to create a life that I love. again.

Idle...

This is the weekend that I don't work. That I don't clean. That I don't do anything but love my boys. A long weekend at that. Its been wonderful.

And a disaster of sorts. and I gotta say...I am a bit restless. I am not very good at being idle. Being
still. Non-productive.

I have loved my boys. All 3 of them. Kobey joined me for a couple miles on Saturday morning. I have enjoyed Kai more than I have since he was born perhaps. Its been good...

And a disaster. We planned a weekend away. Then I got sick. Then we bought a boat instead. A boat that was "checked out and ready for the water." Long story short-its not in the water. Not to mention the grill caught fire. However briefly,it was long enough for Chad and I to look away and Kai to face plant into the deck from his slide. He looks like he has been in an MMA fight. And truth be told, I am probably gonna work a bit tonight. The weekend...A beautiful disaster. For the first time in awhile I see the beautiful and not just the disaster. A nice change of pace. Much needed perspective.

Superwoman?

But where is my cape?

After I passed the Bar Exam I received the nicest messages from so many people. "Superwoman" was a word I heard a lot that day. When the congrats started rolling in I immediately started replying "haha. thanks but really I am trainwreck." It was a busy day and congrats were pouring in. I stopped replying. At the end of the day, I logged in and was overwhelmed by the outpour of kindness and congrats.

Superwoman was the last thing I felt like.

Superwoman is not what I see. I see the apartment that never quite gets clean or never stays that way. I see the 40lbs of law school weight that I still need to lose( not the 45lbs that I have since June). I see the marathons that I haven't run. I see my "Walmart Parenting" moments. But maybe that isn't what other people see? Maybe its time to cut myself a little slack. Focus on the things that I'm getting right...pretend that I am Superwoman for a day...without her cape.

Trick or Treat 2010

Our first trick or treat with two kiddos...it proved to be a welcome distraction from waiting on bar results and another example of the sacrifices a big brother makes. For nearly 7 years it was just Kobey. That all changed in a flash with Kaiser's arrival. Kobey has been an amazingly good sport about his life getting turned upside down. There hasn't been any jealousy and he is all about his big brother duties. I am so proud of him and the way he has handled it all.

My heart aches for him at the same time. Trick or treat was a perfect example. I promised that we would walk around the neighborhood with one of his friends. We were running a little behind and they left without us. Kobey was so disappointed and REALLY wanted to try to catch up to them. "please mom...hurry!" he begged just as his little brother threw a screaming fit in the stroller. Everything had to stop to attempt to calm the screaching tiger. Kob looked back at me so disappointed but didn't say a word. He didn't complain and got over it quickly.
Yet another example of how nothing is about him anymore. We are all at the mercy of our new addition...including big brother.














Trick or Treat 2010-The kiddos were adorable. Brutus and my little tiger.

I PASSED THE OHIO BAR EXAM!!!!

Results were released yesterday. I did it. Really did. Even with the baby and bedrest and all the nonsense. I did it.

Its over.



I pulled my old blog to look back at when the journey was just beginning.
Oh how far Ive come...





Thursday, August 16, 2007



I'm a big girl now..



Current mood: accomplished



So...today is the big day. My new adventure begins. Officially begins. Opening Convocation Ceremony at Capital Law School. Oath of Professionalism. Presentation of the Gavels. All sounds very important, doesn't it? I bought a new suit yesterday. New purse and shoes are on the to do list for today. Even at 29 years old, it feels like I am playing dress up! But I'm not. I AM DOING THIS. Really doing it. Chasing a dream that I haven't been brave enough to chase or fool enough to let go. It has been floating around since I was a kid. And the time is now.

I have found myself in panic this week. Feeling overwhelmed by the specifics of law school and the curveballs life is throwing at me. Seriously feeling like I was in over my head and wanting to run home. Run somewhere. Somewhere familiar. Where I know something for certain. Where I feel safe and in control...even if I'm not. But today the tides turn and I chose to have a better attitude and focus on the amazing opportunity at hand. And give myself enough credit to know that I will be fine. And remember the most growth and the greatest treasures always come when you stretch yourself past all that is comfortable...push yourself to the brink of panic...take a deep breath and step forward anyway.

7:42 AM





Sunday, November 11, 2007

1L

Current mood: determined

Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

1L is what first year law students are called. I keep trying to explain to my friends and family who are in the "real world" rather than the alter existence known as law school, what its really like or why I can't go to things or just what all the fuss is about. I have failed miserably in doing so but last night I picked up the classic book "1L" that tells the tale of a 1st year law student in the 70's. I planned to read it over Christmas break but I read a few pages before I fell asleep last night. Alot has changed since the 70's but in the preface I found my explanation that perfectly captured how i feel...

" By Friday my will will be so brittle from sleeplessness and pressure and intellectual fatigue that I will not be certain I can make it through the day. After years off, I have begun to smoke cigarettes again; lately, I seem to be drinking a little every night. I do not have time to read a novel or a magazine, and I am so far removed from the news of world events that I often feel as if I have fallen off the dark side of the planet. I am distracted at most times and have difficulty keeping up a conversation, even with my wife. At random instants, I am likely to be strictened with acute feelings of panic, depression, indefinite need, and the pep talks and irony I practice on myself only seem to make it worse.

I am a law student in my first year at the law, and there are many moments when I am simply a mess."

8:49 AM





Sunday, November 11, 2007

Ongoing thoughts...1L

Current mood: productive

I love the feeling of reading something that explains exactly how I feel....only better than I ever could've. I have a feeling that this book is going to be full of those and I am only on page 17(but why am I reading this instead of typing contract notes???) I think I am going to record them here as I go....just to have them to look back on.

9/3/75(near midnight)

"Tried tonight to read a case for the first time. It is harder than hell...

(text ommitted)

OK. It was nine o'clock when I started reading. The case is four pages long and at 10:35 I finished. It was something like stirring concrete with my eyelashes. I had no idea what half the worlds meant. I must have opened Blacks Law Dictionary 25 times and I still can't understand many of the definitions. There are notations and numbers throughout the case whose purpose baffles me. And even now I'm not crystal clear on what the court finally decided to do. ...

(text ommitted)

Twenty minutes ago, I threw up my hands and quit. I feel overheated and a little bit nervous. I wouldn't be quite so upset if I weren't going to be reading cases every day and if understanding them weren't so important.

(text ommitted)

Well, tonight, the common law has prevailed over me, beaten me back. I suppose it will not be the last time, I feel frustrated and disturbed.

I am going to sleep."

9:35 AM

Training Partner

I hate to admit it but my dear Girlie has felt the brunt of the changes around here. We used to walk or run at least once per day and she went everywhere with me in my old jeep. When the RA worsened and the workload increased, the runs turned to walks and they weren't everyday. When bedrest hit, the walks turned to Chad opening the door for her to pee. With a baby on the way on a law student budget, the jeep had to be sold. Poor me and poor Girlie.

Then I started walking again. The stroller and the dog seemed like too much so she would watch sadly from the upstairs window. Then I felt ready to run again...starting slowly. After reading Run Like a Mother, it was obvious that if I was going to be serious about training it was going to have to be in the morning. Early in the morning. So for the last two weeks, my alarm rings at 4:50am. I stumble down the stairs-repeating "dont think, just go" over and over again. I start the Kuerig, climb into my clothes, chug the coffee and head out the door...with my dear Girlie. She is so happy.I remember that we used to be friends, the mutt and me. Before life got so crazy and so hectic. We ran and we rode with the wind blowing. It was pretty simple. Quiet companionship. And now we have our mornings. And apparently I am accountable to her. Last Thursday was my "rest" day. At 4:50am this quiet, well mannered dog was whining bedside, jumping and licking my legs. "get up! lets do this!" she seemed to be saying. This morning I hit snooze thinking I would just take Kai with me in the jogger later today. 4:50am-there she was. Jazzed and ready to go. So I have a training partner...with a built in alarm for our training schedule. Perfect quiet companionship.Me and Girlie.