Wingin It

I have been flying by the seat of my pants in most circumstances for the last 3 years. Once it really settled in that, while I had my whole life planned out, not a single thing had gone how I planned... I decided to take my hands out of it. For the most part it works for me. It eliminated a ton of stress especially over things that I so egotistically thought I had some control over. Sometimes it creates stress because I have failed to plan where necessary but all in all I am pleased with the method to my madness. But isn't there always an exception?

Some decisions just have to be made. I have let them go and tried not to stress in the hopes that things would either 1)take care of themselves or 2)an answer would become crystal clear. Crazy as it sounds, I have found that if I just keep my hands out of things...one of the two often happens!

But alas back to the exception...the times when I just have to decide.

My mind full questions.
Not an answer in sight.
I spin the issue one way.
Then I spin it the other.
Perfectly reasonable arguments for each side.
No resolution in sight.
Maybe I'll find a Magic 8 Ball and see what the future holds.

Fall is Coming...

In an attempt to battle my sadness and disappointment over "The Summer That Never Was" I decided to just be thankful and look forward instead of back. Novel idea, huh? Whatever. I'm trying :) It doesn't have to be about summer ending. It might as well be about Fall coming!

And that is a good thing. Changing leaves. Comfy clothes. And a few of the highlights for me:

• A brand new beginning full of possibilities!

maybe this will be the semester when I get it all together! :)

• SCHOOL SUPPLIES!

I LOVE new school supplies. Always have. Pretty notebooks, fun pens. The school supply aisle makes me happy. :)

• Buckeyes Football

There is no place on earth like Columbus, Ohio in the fall. Random O-H-I-O's. An entire city in scarlet and gray. Love,love,love it.

• The return of all things pumpkin!

Pumpkin lattes from Starbucks, pumpkin cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory...need I go on?

Fall doesn't seem so bad after all.

Really? Summer is over already? I am just getting started!

I hae absolutely no idea how this happened. One.more.week. of summer. Craziness. I was just getting started. I have no tan. Have barely been to the pool. Beach vaca was cancelled. All the things that I put off during the school year remain undone. I'm startled by the winding down of a summer that barely got started.

Although, I have no idea why I am shocked by the shock.

This happens to me OFTEN. I have absolutely no concept of time. It drives my hubby nuts I do believe. 5 minutes or 5 hours could have passed and often I am unaware. Then, once I realize..I am shocked and the shock turns to stress. This happens nearly every single day at our house. And every single time I am shocked. Truly startled by what the clock reads...left wondering "how on earth did this happen?" But today it is calendar and not the clock that has shocked me. Go figure.

HELP

Maxed out and frazzled...I find myself wanting to shout SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only to realize that they only person that can help me...is myself.

Grace Eventually

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

By Anne Lamott...

"At twenty-one, I still believed that if you could only get to see sunrise at Stonehenge, or full moon at the Taj Mahal, you would be nabbed by the truth. And then you would be well and able to relax and feel fully alive. But I actually knew a few true things: I had figured out that truth and freedom were pretty much the same. And that almsot everyone was struggling to wake up, to be loved, and not feel so afraid all the time. That's what the cars, degrees, booze, and drugs were about."

"I learned mostly from drugs and great books.: I was a lifelong reading girl. I already believed that there was something in me that could not be touched or destroyed that you could call my soul. And I was part of two wings of the community-the smartest, funniest alcoholics and the seekers, who had designed lives based on spiritual values and tried to live up to them. I loved equally reading the great literature and getting wasted."

(about the wailing wall) " See, somtimes, if you are lucky, you get a point where you're sick of a problem, or worn down by tinkering with it, or clutching it. And letting it go, maybe writing it down and sending it away, buys you some time and space, so maybe freedom and humor sneak in-which is probably what you were praying for all along."

Where has my baby gone?

Just adding some entries from my old blog so I have them in one place.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

All of the sudden I am the mother of a boy. My baby is gone. I'm not sure when or how it happened but he is gone. I am reminded all the time...in a million little ways that time is flying by. For instance, he decided that he no longer kisses me. Only hugs. He gives me the exasperated....Mooooooooooooooooommmmmm when I embarass or annoy him now. He wants to know how to spell words. He even sleeps in his own bed without too much complaint these days. He is constantly demonstrating how smart he is and reasons like a true lawyer to be.
And then...there are days like friday. We were standing in the hall and I was zipping up his footed pj's. The soft snuggly ones that I love...that he has worn since he was a newborn and I am thrilled that they now make them in big boy sizes. I'm feeling all nostalgic when he exclaims...

MOM, WATCH MY NUTS!

Yes, my friends, his nuts. I about had a heart attack. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry or scold him so I calmly fought back laughter(which is more than I can say for Chad!) and asked where on earth he learned about nuts. He said his friend Alex, shrugged his shoulders and headed down the stairs. My baby.
And the worst part is...I know that it has only just begun.

Fresh Start

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. Mary Pickford


I broke down yesterday and went to the rhumatologist. Not because I wanted to but because I really didn't have a choice. The difference between falling down and staying down I suppose. And I refuse to stay down. I took the methotrexate shot yesterday and started the steriods again. I hate them...the side effects and all that goes with it BUT I love how I feel when the RA is under control...when my life is somewhat under control. I have lots to do and lots to be thankful for...so I will take the meds and start fresh. Today. No looking back over the last 6 months and all of the "falling down." I start today...with today and today only. The things I want and need to do to make myself and my boys happy. Just today. No more, no less. A fresh start.

Step Away from the Ledge....

Somebody talk me down...

Its been one of those days. One of those-I have officially lost my mind-am fresh out of coping skills-and am completely maxed out-kind of days.

Most of the time I can talk myself down off the ledge. I can clear my head. Get a grip. Start with a fresh perspective. Unfortunately, this time none of the usuals from my bag of tricks is working. I can't seem to shake it. I know tomorrow is a brand new day...full of brand new chances but it isn't shaking this helpless, overwhelmed, disappointed, stressed out yuck that I am carrying...

And the boys. My poor boys. I know I am not a very happy wife and momma right now. And they are both on their best behavior. Trying their best and ready for me to be back to normal. But not nearly as ready as I am.

Sprinkles

Lately I have managed to get myself all worked up about a house, babies, all sorts of things. I have been so wrapped up in figuring out the things to come that I have lost focus of all the good that is living in the "right now." I have absolutely everything I need. Life is good. So very much to be thankful for. A fantastic husband. A hilarious and kind little boy. Only 1 year of law school left. Once I slowed myself down...it was clear that the rest was just sprinkles! More kids, a bigger place, whatever lies ahead.... It all sounds fantastic but even if things stay exactly as they are now...I am still a very lucky girl.

QUOTE to remember...

“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” Barbara De Angelis quotes

Some Thoughts on Running

A few years ago my life was literally in pieces and I made a life changing discovery. When everything had fallen apart, you get the chance to put it back together however you chose. I got a do over That broken time turned out to be full of blessings and oppurtunity. I took it very seriously. I made all sorts of changes. I wanted to sell my house. I wanted to quit my job. I wanted to go back to law school. I wanted to move to Columbus. I did all of those things.

But during that time I got to make alot of small choices about the kind of person that I wanted to be...the kind of life I wanted to live. The kind of single momma that I wanted to be. The type of relationships that I was and was not willing to be in. There were all sorts of these types of choices made but one of them was that I wanted to be a runner. Random I know. My excuse had always been that "I wasn't a runner." As if it is a gene that you are born with. During this time, I started to see it differently. I noticed that highly successful people were almost always runners...CEO's, presidents, you name it. Runners. I started to ponder it and decided that maybe they "weren't runners" either. Maybe they didn't have that gene..perhaps they weren't born runners instead they DECIDED to be runners. To learn to push themselves. To be committed and dedicated and focused. To be mentally strong enough to move beyond what they "felt" like doing. Those were the things I wanted to be. So I became a runner.

It was slow and ugly at first. I printed the Couch to 5K program. I did what it said and completed a few 5K's. It felt great. I felt like I could do anything. I trained for a 10K. I ran daily. It was my time to myself. My time to think. To pray. My reminder that I was strong enough. That I could move beyond what I felt like.That I could do anything I decided to if I just showed up. And I ran no matter what...regardless of my schedule, the weather, my mood. I ran. It was my lifeline.

Then, over time, I picked up the pieces of my broken little life and put them together just how I wanted them. I slowly healed old wounds and went on new adventures. Life was good. As months passed, I wasn't broken any more. And I ran less and less. Until I didn't run at all anymore.

And now here I am. 15 lbs. heavier. Out of shape. Out of balance. And starting over.

Its odd really. The better my life got, the less I thought I needed my lifeline. Subconsciously, of course, but I have gotten further and further away from the very thing that kept me grounded when everything fell apart. Like I didn't need it anymore. But I did. I do. So I humbly start over.

Out of Shape

Somehow I have managed to let myself get completely out of shape over the last year. I am down. Frustrated. Disppointed. Busting out of my clothes. And registered for a 5K in 32 days.

I clearly have some MAJOR work to do. In a pretty short amount of time. I feel waves of self-loathing as I think about my current state of affairs. I literally cannot believe that I let myself get to this point. At the same time, I KNOW that is counter-productive and that I just have to pull myself up and start where I am. Which is PAINFULLY.OUT.OF.SHAPE.

The Couch to 5K program has been reprinted. I am literally back at Square One. And have zero margin for error at this point. 32 days...God help me.

Fundamentally Different

Chatted it up today with a friend going through the post-divorce dating roller coaster.

I am not sure that I was much help. I kept circling back to the age old "when you know, you know." The most annoying phrase to those who aren't sure that they know. Doubted by all...all BUT the ones who know. Once you've been there, it makes perfect sense. When you are the one confused and grasping at straws...it seems like complete horseshit. It can't be that simple. When you know, you know? Really?

Yep. I think of all the countless hours, weeks, months, years that I spent trying to figure out what I would never ever know...simply because it wasn't right. Wasted Time. Lessons learned I suppose. But I could've just waited until I knew.

But how do you know when you know? If you are asking then you don't. I couldn't come up with a single thing more profound than I knew. That with Chad it was fundamentally different. Profound yet simple. I knew.

RA

DefinitionBy Mayo Clinic staff
Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes joint pain and damage. Rheumatoid arthritis attacks the lining of your joints (synovium) causing swelling that can result in aching and throbbing and eventually deformity. Sometimes rheumatoid arthritis symptoms make even the simplest activities — such as opening a jar or taking a walk — difficult to manage.

I was diagnosed with RA in August of 2007 completely out of no where. I had a "knot" on my wrist that at first glance seemed to be a cyst. Then my wrist was so stiff that movement was impossible. It was like stone. So I called my doc. He tried to drain it with no luck and sent me off to a specialist. The specialist scheduled me for surgery and explained that it was likely a type of cyst that grows "tennacles" and that was what was immobilizing my wrist. I just wanted it taken care of before my insurance ended and before my move to the big city to start law school. The surgeon got in my wrist and discovered the wrist of a 65 year old. The knot was hardened synovial tissue and I had RA. I was 29 years old.

I didn't accept it at first. He sent me to a Rhumatologist. He explained disability benefits because my levels were so high. He explained to me that it was an asymetrical disease...that if it affects one side of my body that it would do the same on the other side. I wasn't buying it. It was my right hand that had the surgery. I was left handed. All was good. It was not going to affect my left hand. I needed my left hand for law school. Weeks later...it was in my left hand. He explained to me that if it affected my hands, it would affect my feet. I didn't buy it. My feet were fine. Iwas training for a half marathon and had just run a couple 5ks. Within weeks, my feet were a wreck. He explained that the larger joints were next. My hips and shoulders are the worst for me. For some strange reason my elbows NEVER hurt. Never. Even when its really bad and I hurt all over. Never my elbows. It baffles me. Something to be thankful for I suppose.

Anyway, I started on methotrexate injections each week. Its a chemotherapy drug. With RA, my white blood cells attack and destroy my joints. The chemo kills my white blood cells. It wasn't much fun at first while my body adjusted to the poison but it was working. Prednisone, a steriod, rounded out my pharmacutical cocktail. All in all I managed pretty well for a little over a year.

Then I got married and started talking babies. I have big plans for a whole litter! I then discovered that the methotrexate causes terrible birth defects for a long time. No more meds for me. So for the last 9 months I have been battled the RA on my own. As of today, I am throwing in the towel...and admitting that it is kicking my ass. And I don't know what to do.

I am running a low grade fever for days at a time. The fatigue feels like the flu. And the pain. I don't even know what to say about that. I found a quote from another lady that described it this way...“My RA is like having bee stings in every joint. Hands, feet, knees, shoulders and elbows.” Good news is that my elbows are fine! :) Its a burning pain, that alternates between a deep, deep ache and sharp stinging.

The return of the cold weather has only exasperated the process. My left ankle will not bend. My hips ache so badly that I shift around in my chair every few minutes while studying. Friday I dumped hot coffee in my own face and down my chest because my hands were so stiff and lacked control. I was just trying to take a drink. I checked into a hotel on saturday that had a jacuzzi in the room in the hopes that it would ease my pain. It helped. But not nearly enough. When I stand up these days I have to hold something for support. Several times this weekend I had to ask Chad to wait because I couldn't move yet. I have barely gotten out of sweat pants and acted like I am lazy but truthfully I cannot button on my own right now. I feel handicapped and helpless. I feel like I am at rock bottom. Alone.

I have tried to minimize it to Chad. I have barely said a word. He hasn't put it all together yet. He commented on me struggled up the stairs. And the sweatpants. But my silence is working so far.I have purposely avoided my mother. She sees right through me...even on the telephone. So I have been suffering silently...probably the worst it has ever been. I have had more intense flare ups but they pass quickly. This isn't budging. And still I am silent.

Not because my family isn't supportive but I know exactly what Chad and my Mom will say. Go back on the meds. They don't want me to suffer. But if I go back on the meds...that means no babies. No babies for awhile. I have been set on no meds. I am 31 years old. I want more babies. Several...before I am 40. It took me years to have Kobey. I don't wanna mess around with these meds. I want to be a momma again.

But right now, I don't know if I can do it. If I can hold out. So I stay quiet. Because I know if Chad and Mom have any idea, they will push for the meds...for me to be healthy, happy. And I don't feel strong enough to argue with them at this point. I feel defeated. Like a 31 yr old trapped in a 70 year old body. Fighting a losing battle with my own blood cells.

And I know I should be thankful that it is not cancer. That is what I try to constantly tell myself. And I am . It could be so much worse. And maybe I am wallowing in my own pain and self pity but today I cannot see beyond. But I will get up and try again tomorrow...

Waiting

I am not a very patient person. Some of my biggest mistakes in life have been made when I should've been patient. My Dad tried to make me see that a long time ago. Not knowing what to do or what is going to happen is one of my biggest fear and I didn't even realize it. I don't wait around and stress. I take control of the situation (or so I thought!) and make a decision and go with it 110%. That was my solution. I no longer had to wait and see what happened. I pick something and JUMP. I make something happen.

Seems like a good enough idea. Problem is...it was often the WRONG thing that I made happen. IF I had just been patient, things would have come together differently. Or I would've seen things differently. But no...I somehow became my own worst enemy. I JUMP.

So the last few years I have really been working on this. I stumbled across the quote a couple summers back that stuck with me...

"Be still. Be still until you know what you know and feel what you feel. "

Simple enough. That would solve alot of my problems. Save me from myself perhaps. But it doesn't come naturally. I constantly have to check myself.

And just when I think I have it all figured out...God reminds me that I don't.

I am fairly sure that I entertain him at times. I do try. But sometimes I am like the dog that chases his tail. So He reminds me when I am not being patient. And He steps in on occasion and saves me from myself.

At the moment, I am waiting to hear from 2 job interviews. The first was a done deal...or so I thought. Perphaps I misunderstood but I thought all that was left to do was iron out the $ piece of it. And I am still waiting on the details. Trying to be patient. Uggghhhh. Then I go to another interview, thinking it was just a back up plan. And found myself amazed as the topics turned to my interests exactly. And a potential project that I could get really excited about. So what will I do? Which would I chose? What will they pay? Which am I supposed to do? Will either of them work out? Then today, purely by happenstance, or so it would seem, I chat with a lady whose family member works at a company that I didn't even know existed...and is yet another possibility to persue. Maybe a better fit yet!

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and it seems that God has spent the last week proving to me that, in fact, I do not. That I need to just be patient and let some things play out. See what comes together. Try to do a little damage control before making a rash decision and JUMP...all because I don't want to be patient.

So Spring Break is over...

And it is back to the grind today. I wish I could report a trip to a sandy beach somewhere...or even gloat about all of the things that I got done around the house...or that all of my outlines are complete and ready for finals. But none of those would be true. I was feeling sorry for myself because I really felt the itch to travel lately. It just wasn't in the cards this year.

Instead...I did spend a fantastic weekend 10 miles from home at Fort Rapids Water Park. One night with friends and the next with family. Kobey had a blast.

And so did we, I suppose. Although it wasn't a real vacation...perhaps it is all in how you look at it! It was 84 degrees around the clock. We swam and played and laughed til our bellies hurt. No one got sunburnt. We didn't have to road trip and deal with traffic, potty breaks and gas prices. We didn't have to deal with airports or flight delays or lost luggage. Maybe it was just perfect after all.

I did get a few things done around the house. Closets cleaned out at least.

And I had 2 interviews that went really well.

And I shopped with an old friend and had Chipotle with the girls.

I got to hang out with my brother and his wife and DARLING neice Delilah and my parents too.

We helped Chad's step mom celebrate her 50th bday and his sis flew in from Arizona.

Saturday I got a chance to have lunch with 2 of my dearest friends that I don't get to see as often as I used to.

Yesterday we rounded out the week with Monsters v. Aliens in the Imax and 3d. Kobey was hilarious! He tried to touch the things in 3D and ducked every time something appeared to be flying in our direction. He LOVED it.

So really I had a fantastic week surrounded by people that I love...and I should count my blessings. There will be plenty of time for travel and sandy beaches in days to come.

Class Clown

Apparently this sweet sweet little boy...



















Is being this little boy at school these days....



















And I am about to lose my mind.

He has pulled 3 slips (warning notice) in 8 days.


He informed me that he is the "luckiest card puller" because they haven't been in the same week (Fri. Mon. Mon.) so he hasn't went from yellow to red.


Nana focuses on the fact that it has been 3 slips in his entire year of kindergarten.


I say 3 slips in 8 days. Clearly we have a problem on our hands.


This is the conversation that we had last night:

Me: Did you pull a card today?
K: I don't remember. (He remembers everything I am not buying it. We repeat the same dialogue again)
Me: If I have to call Mrs. Gabel at her house because you will not tell me then you are going to be in big trouble!!! I am going to ask you 1 more time....( I have resorted to fear tactics)
K: I am going to ask you a question, okay?
Me: Okay...
K: I need to know how many days that I am in trouble if I tell you and how many days that I am going to be in trouble if you have to call Mrs. Gabel?
ME: I am not answering that!!!! you get to your room and sit on your bed until you are ready to tell me what happened at school today!!!


Now, the soon-to-be lawyer in me can respect his desire to have all the information before he gives his answer but the Momma in me about lost it. He is his mother's son. That is for certain.


I have no idea what to do. I took TV away. Twice. Once for an entire week. At the same time...he is the youngest kid in his class. He has been good all year.


And I mean... come on.... have you met his father?!? Kobey is bound to be a little goofy and socially inappropriate at times.


So he lost tv last night. Nana suggested 1 day at a time. Seemed reasonable to me.


So now we wait for today's report...


Ahhhhh....if he would just listen. I mean it seems simple enough. But kids have to go trying to figure things out for themselves...making a mess of things. Driving their parents mad.


Which brings me back to losing my mind.


I, myself, have never been very good at doing things the way they were supposed to be done. What on earth am I going to do with a little man of the same mentality? Dear God...help us all.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I love St. Patty's Day. I've been a big fan of green beer for years. Kobey was pumped last year about the Leprechans that came to Preschool and left glitter trails and upside down furniture and played tricks all week. Last year it was even the turning point for myself and Mr. Keesee.

St. Patty's Day...Definately a day to be celebrated!

And of course...I had big plans. I was going to do something special for Chad. And play Leprechan for Kobey. And drink green beer with the friends. Celebrate indeed.

Instead, I was lucky to get up with the alarm. Made lunches. Did some homework and got us out the door on time...Kobey and I both wearing green. That counts for something right? I would play Leprechan later and pick up some treats for the boys. I had the whole day ahead of me!

Then I arrive at school only to realize that I forgot the correct book AGAIN and had to run home between class and work. So I am late and chasing my tail in circles. Which seems to be par for the course lately.

And I am Slim Fasting because I have gained 15lbs in the last year. And I am not feeling it at the moment.

I have a spliting headache.

And another class to attend.

And I don't want to play Leprechan. Or drink green beer. Or really do much of anything at this point! I want a do-over...a chance to try again tomorrow....because TOMORROW...that is the day I get it all together! ;)