Fresh Start

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. Mary Pickford


I broke down yesterday and went to the rhumatologist. Not because I wanted to but because I really didn't have a choice. The difference between falling down and staying down I suppose. And I refuse to stay down. I took the methotrexate shot yesterday and started the steriods again. I hate them...the side effects and all that goes with it BUT I love how I feel when the RA is under control...when my life is somewhat under control. I have lots to do and lots to be thankful for...so I will take the meds and start fresh. Today. No looking back over the last 6 months and all of the "falling down." I start today...with today and today only. The things I want and need to do to make myself and my boys happy. Just today. No more, no less. A fresh start.

Step Away from the Ledge....

Somebody talk me down...

Its been one of those days. One of those-I have officially lost my mind-am fresh out of coping skills-and am completely maxed out-kind of days.

Most of the time I can talk myself down off the ledge. I can clear my head. Get a grip. Start with a fresh perspective. Unfortunately, this time none of the usuals from my bag of tricks is working. I can't seem to shake it. I know tomorrow is a brand new day...full of brand new chances but it isn't shaking this helpless, overwhelmed, disappointed, stressed out yuck that I am carrying...

And the boys. My poor boys. I know I am not a very happy wife and momma right now. And they are both on their best behavior. Trying their best and ready for me to be back to normal. But not nearly as ready as I am.

Sprinkles

Lately I have managed to get myself all worked up about a house, babies, all sorts of things. I have been so wrapped up in figuring out the things to come that I have lost focus of all the good that is living in the "right now." I have absolutely everything I need. Life is good. So very much to be thankful for. A fantastic husband. A hilarious and kind little boy. Only 1 year of law school left. Once I slowed myself down...it was clear that the rest was just sprinkles! More kids, a bigger place, whatever lies ahead.... It all sounds fantastic but even if things stay exactly as they are now...I am still a very lucky girl.

QUOTE to remember...

“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” Barbara De Angelis quotes

Some Thoughts on Running

A few years ago my life was literally in pieces and I made a life changing discovery. When everything had fallen apart, you get the chance to put it back together however you chose. I got a do over That broken time turned out to be full of blessings and oppurtunity. I took it very seriously. I made all sorts of changes. I wanted to sell my house. I wanted to quit my job. I wanted to go back to law school. I wanted to move to Columbus. I did all of those things.

But during that time I got to make alot of small choices about the kind of person that I wanted to be...the kind of life I wanted to live. The kind of single momma that I wanted to be. The type of relationships that I was and was not willing to be in. There were all sorts of these types of choices made but one of them was that I wanted to be a runner. Random I know. My excuse had always been that "I wasn't a runner." As if it is a gene that you are born with. During this time, I started to see it differently. I noticed that highly successful people were almost always runners...CEO's, presidents, you name it. Runners. I started to ponder it and decided that maybe they "weren't runners" either. Maybe they didn't have that gene..perhaps they weren't born runners instead they DECIDED to be runners. To learn to push themselves. To be committed and dedicated and focused. To be mentally strong enough to move beyond what they "felt" like doing. Those were the things I wanted to be. So I became a runner.

It was slow and ugly at first. I printed the Couch to 5K program. I did what it said and completed a few 5K's. It felt great. I felt like I could do anything. I trained for a 10K. I ran daily. It was my time to myself. My time to think. To pray. My reminder that I was strong enough. That I could move beyond what I felt like.That I could do anything I decided to if I just showed up. And I ran no matter what...regardless of my schedule, the weather, my mood. I ran. It was my lifeline.

Then, over time, I picked up the pieces of my broken little life and put them together just how I wanted them. I slowly healed old wounds and went on new adventures. Life was good. As months passed, I wasn't broken any more. And I ran less and less. Until I didn't run at all anymore.

And now here I am. 15 lbs. heavier. Out of shape. Out of balance. And starting over.

Its odd really. The better my life got, the less I thought I needed my lifeline. Subconsciously, of course, but I have gotten further and further away from the very thing that kept me grounded when everything fell apart. Like I didn't need it anymore. But I did. I do. So I humbly start over.

Out of Shape

Somehow I have managed to let myself get completely out of shape over the last year. I am down. Frustrated. Disppointed. Busting out of my clothes. And registered for a 5K in 32 days.

I clearly have some MAJOR work to do. In a pretty short amount of time. I feel waves of self-loathing as I think about my current state of affairs. I literally cannot believe that I let myself get to this point. At the same time, I KNOW that is counter-productive and that I just have to pull myself up and start where I am. Which is PAINFULLY.OUT.OF.SHAPE.

The Couch to 5K program has been reprinted. I am literally back at Square One. And have zero margin for error at this point. 32 days...God help me.

Fundamentally Different

Chatted it up today with a friend going through the post-divorce dating roller coaster.

I am not sure that I was much help. I kept circling back to the age old "when you know, you know." The most annoying phrase to those who aren't sure that they know. Doubted by all...all BUT the ones who know. Once you've been there, it makes perfect sense. When you are the one confused and grasping at straws...it seems like complete horseshit. It can't be that simple. When you know, you know? Really?

Yep. I think of all the countless hours, weeks, months, years that I spent trying to figure out what I would never ever know...simply because it wasn't right. Wasted Time. Lessons learned I suppose. But I could've just waited until I knew.

But how do you know when you know? If you are asking then you don't. I couldn't come up with a single thing more profound than I knew. That with Chad it was fundamentally different. Profound yet simple. I knew.

RA

DefinitionBy Mayo Clinic staff
Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes joint pain and damage. Rheumatoid arthritis attacks the lining of your joints (synovium) causing swelling that can result in aching and throbbing and eventually deformity. Sometimes rheumatoid arthritis symptoms make even the simplest activities — such as opening a jar or taking a walk — difficult to manage.

I was diagnosed with RA in August of 2007 completely out of no where. I had a "knot" on my wrist that at first glance seemed to be a cyst. Then my wrist was so stiff that movement was impossible. It was like stone. So I called my doc. He tried to drain it with no luck and sent me off to a specialist. The specialist scheduled me for surgery and explained that it was likely a type of cyst that grows "tennacles" and that was what was immobilizing my wrist. I just wanted it taken care of before my insurance ended and before my move to the big city to start law school. The surgeon got in my wrist and discovered the wrist of a 65 year old. The knot was hardened synovial tissue and I had RA. I was 29 years old.

I didn't accept it at first. He sent me to a Rhumatologist. He explained disability benefits because my levels were so high. He explained to me that it was an asymetrical disease...that if it affects one side of my body that it would do the same on the other side. I wasn't buying it. It was my right hand that had the surgery. I was left handed. All was good. It was not going to affect my left hand. I needed my left hand for law school. Weeks later...it was in my left hand. He explained to me that if it affected my hands, it would affect my feet. I didn't buy it. My feet were fine. Iwas training for a half marathon and had just run a couple 5ks. Within weeks, my feet were a wreck. He explained that the larger joints were next. My hips and shoulders are the worst for me. For some strange reason my elbows NEVER hurt. Never. Even when its really bad and I hurt all over. Never my elbows. It baffles me. Something to be thankful for I suppose.

Anyway, I started on methotrexate injections each week. Its a chemotherapy drug. With RA, my white blood cells attack and destroy my joints. The chemo kills my white blood cells. It wasn't much fun at first while my body adjusted to the poison but it was working. Prednisone, a steriod, rounded out my pharmacutical cocktail. All in all I managed pretty well for a little over a year.

Then I got married and started talking babies. I have big plans for a whole litter! I then discovered that the methotrexate causes terrible birth defects for a long time. No more meds for me. So for the last 9 months I have been battled the RA on my own. As of today, I am throwing in the towel...and admitting that it is kicking my ass. And I don't know what to do.

I am running a low grade fever for days at a time. The fatigue feels like the flu. And the pain. I don't even know what to say about that. I found a quote from another lady that described it this way...“My RA is like having bee stings in every joint. Hands, feet, knees, shoulders and elbows.” Good news is that my elbows are fine! :) Its a burning pain, that alternates between a deep, deep ache and sharp stinging.

The return of the cold weather has only exasperated the process. My left ankle will not bend. My hips ache so badly that I shift around in my chair every few minutes while studying. Friday I dumped hot coffee in my own face and down my chest because my hands were so stiff and lacked control. I was just trying to take a drink. I checked into a hotel on saturday that had a jacuzzi in the room in the hopes that it would ease my pain. It helped. But not nearly enough. When I stand up these days I have to hold something for support. Several times this weekend I had to ask Chad to wait because I couldn't move yet. I have barely gotten out of sweat pants and acted like I am lazy but truthfully I cannot button on my own right now. I feel handicapped and helpless. I feel like I am at rock bottom. Alone.

I have tried to minimize it to Chad. I have barely said a word. He hasn't put it all together yet. He commented on me struggled up the stairs. And the sweatpants. But my silence is working so far.I have purposely avoided my mother. She sees right through me...even on the telephone. So I have been suffering silently...probably the worst it has ever been. I have had more intense flare ups but they pass quickly. This isn't budging. And still I am silent.

Not because my family isn't supportive but I know exactly what Chad and my Mom will say. Go back on the meds. They don't want me to suffer. But if I go back on the meds...that means no babies. No babies for awhile. I have been set on no meds. I am 31 years old. I want more babies. Several...before I am 40. It took me years to have Kobey. I don't wanna mess around with these meds. I want to be a momma again.

But right now, I don't know if I can do it. If I can hold out. So I stay quiet. Because I know if Chad and Mom have any idea, they will push for the meds...for me to be healthy, happy. And I don't feel strong enough to argue with them at this point. I feel defeated. Like a 31 yr old trapped in a 70 year old body. Fighting a losing battle with my own blood cells.

And I know I should be thankful that it is not cancer. That is what I try to constantly tell myself. And I am . It could be so much worse. And maybe I am wallowing in my own pain and self pity but today I cannot see beyond. But I will get up and try again tomorrow...

Waiting

I am not a very patient person. Some of my biggest mistakes in life have been made when I should've been patient. My Dad tried to make me see that a long time ago. Not knowing what to do or what is going to happen is one of my biggest fear and I didn't even realize it. I don't wait around and stress. I take control of the situation (or so I thought!) and make a decision and go with it 110%. That was my solution. I no longer had to wait and see what happened. I pick something and JUMP. I make something happen.

Seems like a good enough idea. Problem is...it was often the WRONG thing that I made happen. IF I had just been patient, things would have come together differently. Or I would've seen things differently. But no...I somehow became my own worst enemy. I JUMP.

So the last few years I have really been working on this. I stumbled across the quote a couple summers back that stuck with me...

"Be still. Be still until you know what you know and feel what you feel. "

Simple enough. That would solve alot of my problems. Save me from myself perhaps. But it doesn't come naturally. I constantly have to check myself.

And just when I think I have it all figured out...God reminds me that I don't.

I am fairly sure that I entertain him at times. I do try. But sometimes I am like the dog that chases his tail. So He reminds me when I am not being patient. And He steps in on occasion and saves me from myself.

At the moment, I am waiting to hear from 2 job interviews. The first was a done deal...or so I thought. Perphaps I misunderstood but I thought all that was left to do was iron out the $ piece of it. And I am still waiting on the details. Trying to be patient. Uggghhhh. Then I go to another interview, thinking it was just a back up plan. And found myself amazed as the topics turned to my interests exactly. And a potential project that I could get really excited about. So what will I do? Which would I chose? What will they pay? Which am I supposed to do? Will either of them work out? Then today, purely by happenstance, or so it would seem, I chat with a lady whose family member works at a company that I didn't even know existed...and is yet another possibility to persue. Maybe a better fit yet!

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and it seems that God has spent the last week proving to me that, in fact, I do not. That I need to just be patient and let some things play out. See what comes together. Try to do a little damage control before making a rash decision and JUMP...all because I don't want to be patient.