RA

DefinitionBy Mayo Clinic staff
Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes joint pain and damage. Rheumatoid arthritis attacks the lining of your joints (synovium) causing swelling that can result in aching and throbbing and eventually deformity. Sometimes rheumatoid arthritis symptoms make even the simplest activities — such as opening a jar or taking a walk — difficult to manage.

I was diagnosed with RA in August of 2007 completely out of no where. I had a "knot" on my wrist that at first glance seemed to be a cyst. Then my wrist was so stiff that movement was impossible. It was like stone. So I called my doc. He tried to drain it with no luck and sent me off to a specialist. The specialist scheduled me for surgery and explained that it was likely a type of cyst that grows "tennacles" and that was what was immobilizing my wrist. I just wanted it taken care of before my insurance ended and before my move to the big city to start law school. The surgeon got in my wrist and discovered the wrist of a 65 year old. The knot was hardened synovial tissue and I had RA. I was 29 years old.

I didn't accept it at first. He sent me to a Rhumatologist. He explained disability benefits because my levels were so high. He explained to me that it was an asymetrical disease...that if it affects one side of my body that it would do the same on the other side. I wasn't buying it. It was my right hand that had the surgery. I was left handed. All was good. It was not going to affect my left hand. I needed my left hand for law school. Weeks later...it was in my left hand. He explained to me that if it affected my hands, it would affect my feet. I didn't buy it. My feet were fine. Iwas training for a half marathon and had just run a couple 5ks. Within weeks, my feet were a wreck. He explained that the larger joints were next. My hips and shoulders are the worst for me. For some strange reason my elbows NEVER hurt. Never. Even when its really bad and I hurt all over. Never my elbows. It baffles me. Something to be thankful for I suppose.

Anyway, I started on methotrexate injections each week. Its a chemotherapy drug. With RA, my white blood cells attack and destroy my joints. The chemo kills my white blood cells. It wasn't much fun at first while my body adjusted to the poison but it was working. Prednisone, a steriod, rounded out my pharmacutical cocktail. All in all I managed pretty well for a little over a year.

Then I got married and started talking babies. I have big plans for a whole litter! I then discovered that the methotrexate causes terrible birth defects for a long time. No more meds for me. So for the last 9 months I have been battled the RA on my own. As of today, I am throwing in the towel...and admitting that it is kicking my ass. And I don't know what to do.

I am running a low grade fever for days at a time. The fatigue feels like the flu. And the pain. I don't even know what to say about that. I found a quote from another lady that described it this way...“My RA is like having bee stings in every joint. Hands, feet, knees, shoulders and elbows.” Good news is that my elbows are fine! :) Its a burning pain, that alternates between a deep, deep ache and sharp stinging.

The return of the cold weather has only exasperated the process. My left ankle will not bend. My hips ache so badly that I shift around in my chair every few minutes while studying. Friday I dumped hot coffee in my own face and down my chest because my hands were so stiff and lacked control. I was just trying to take a drink. I checked into a hotel on saturday that had a jacuzzi in the room in the hopes that it would ease my pain. It helped. But not nearly enough. When I stand up these days I have to hold something for support. Several times this weekend I had to ask Chad to wait because I couldn't move yet. I have barely gotten out of sweat pants and acted like I am lazy but truthfully I cannot button on my own right now. I feel handicapped and helpless. I feel like I am at rock bottom. Alone.

I have tried to minimize it to Chad. I have barely said a word. He hasn't put it all together yet. He commented on me struggled up the stairs. And the sweatpants. But my silence is working so far.I have purposely avoided my mother. She sees right through me...even on the telephone. So I have been suffering silently...probably the worst it has ever been. I have had more intense flare ups but they pass quickly. This isn't budging. And still I am silent.

Not because my family isn't supportive but I know exactly what Chad and my Mom will say. Go back on the meds. They don't want me to suffer. But if I go back on the meds...that means no babies. No babies for awhile. I have been set on no meds. I am 31 years old. I want more babies. Several...before I am 40. It took me years to have Kobey. I don't wanna mess around with these meds. I want to be a momma again.

But right now, I don't know if I can do it. If I can hold out. So I stay quiet. Because I know if Chad and Mom have any idea, they will push for the meds...for me to be healthy, happy. And I don't feel strong enough to argue with them at this point. I feel defeated. Like a 31 yr old trapped in a 70 year old body. Fighting a losing battle with my own blood cells.

And I know I should be thankful that it is not cancer. That is what I try to constantly tell myself. And I am . It could be so much worse. And maybe I am wallowing in my own pain and self pity but today I cannot see beyond. But I will get up and try again tomorrow...