I PASSED THE OHIO BAR EXAM!!!!

Results were released yesterday. I did it. Really did. Even with the baby and bedrest and all the nonsense. I did it.

Its over.



I pulled my old blog to look back at when the journey was just beginning.
Oh how far Ive come...





Thursday, August 16, 2007



I'm a big girl now..



Current mood: accomplished



So...today is the big day. My new adventure begins. Officially begins. Opening Convocation Ceremony at Capital Law School. Oath of Professionalism. Presentation of the Gavels. All sounds very important, doesn't it? I bought a new suit yesterday. New purse and shoes are on the to do list for today. Even at 29 years old, it feels like I am playing dress up! But I'm not. I AM DOING THIS. Really doing it. Chasing a dream that I haven't been brave enough to chase or fool enough to let go. It has been floating around since I was a kid. And the time is now.

I have found myself in panic this week. Feeling overwhelmed by the specifics of law school and the curveballs life is throwing at me. Seriously feeling like I was in over my head and wanting to run home. Run somewhere. Somewhere familiar. Where I know something for certain. Where I feel safe and in control...even if I'm not. But today the tides turn and I chose to have a better attitude and focus on the amazing opportunity at hand. And give myself enough credit to know that I will be fine. And remember the most growth and the greatest treasures always come when you stretch yourself past all that is comfortable...push yourself to the brink of panic...take a deep breath and step forward anyway.

7:42 AM





Sunday, November 11, 2007

1L

Current mood: determined

Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

1L is what first year law students are called. I keep trying to explain to my friends and family who are in the "real world" rather than the alter existence known as law school, what its really like or why I can't go to things or just what all the fuss is about. I have failed miserably in doing so but last night I picked up the classic book "1L" that tells the tale of a 1st year law student in the 70's. I planned to read it over Christmas break but I read a few pages before I fell asleep last night. Alot has changed since the 70's but in the preface I found my explanation that perfectly captured how i feel...

" By Friday my will will be so brittle from sleeplessness and pressure and intellectual fatigue that I will not be certain I can make it through the day. After years off, I have begun to smoke cigarettes again; lately, I seem to be drinking a little every night. I do not have time to read a novel or a magazine, and I am so far removed from the news of world events that I often feel as if I have fallen off the dark side of the planet. I am distracted at most times and have difficulty keeping up a conversation, even with my wife. At random instants, I am likely to be strictened with acute feelings of panic, depression, indefinite need, and the pep talks and irony I practice on myself only seem to make it worse.

I am a law student in my first year at the law, and there are many moments when I am simply a mess."

8:49 AM





Sunday, November 11, 2007

Ongoing thoughts...1L

Current mood: productive

I love the feeling of reading something that explains exactly how I feel....only better than I ever could've. I have a feeling that this book is going to be full of those and I am only on page 17(but why am I reading this instead of typing contract notes???) I think I am going to record them here as I go....just to have them to look back on.

9/3/75(near midnight)

"Tried tonight to read a case for the first time. It is harder than hell...

(text ommitted)

OK. It was nine o'clock when I started reading. The case is four pages long and at 10:35 I finished. It was something like stirring concrete with my eyelashes. I had no idea what half the worlds meant. I must have opened Blacks Law Dictionary 25 times and I still can't understand many of the definitions. There are notations and numbers throughout the case whose purpose baffles me. And even now I'm not crystal clear on what the court finally decided to do. ...

(text ommitted)

Twenty minutes ago, I threw up my hands and quit. I feel overheated and a little bit nervous. I wouldn't be quite so upset if I weren't going to be reading cases every day and if understanding them weren't so important.

(text ommitted)

Well, tonight, the common law has prevailed over me, beaten me back. I suppose it will not be the last time, I feel frustrated and disturbed.

I am going to sleep."

9:35 AM

Training Partner

I hate to admit it but my dear Girlie has felt the brunt of the changes around here. We used to walk or run at least once per day and she went everywhere with me in my old jeep. When the RA worsened and the workload increased, the runs turned to walks and they weren't everyday. When bedrest hit, the walks turned to Chad opening the door for her to pee. With a baby on the way on a law student budget, the jeep had to be sold. Poor me and poor Girlie.

Then I started walking again. The stroller and the dog seemed like too much so she would watch sadly from the upstairs window. Then I felt ready to run again...starting slowly. After reading Run Like a Mother, it was obvious that if I was going to be serious about training it was going to have to be in the morning. Early in the morning. So for the last two weeks, my alarm rings at 4:50am. I stumble down the stairs-repeating "dont think, just go" over and over again. I start the Kuerig, climb into my clothes, chug the coffee and head out the door...with my dear Girlie. She is so happy.I remember that we used to be friends, the mutt and me. Before life got so crazy and so hectic. We ran and we rode with the wind blowing. It was pretty simple. Quiet companionship. And now we have our mornings. And apparently I am accountable to her. Last Thursday was my "rest" day. At 4:50am this quiet, well mannered dog was whining bedside, jumping and licking my legs. "get up! lets do this!" she seemed to be saying. This morning I hit snooze thinking I would just take Kai with me in the jogger later today. 4:50am-there she was. Jazzed and ready to go. So I have a training partner...with a built in alarm for our training schedule. Perfect quiet companionship.Me and Girlie.

Old Shoes

I had been tossing around what to do about my feet. RA has wrecked them and my current running shoes-while sassy and expensive-kill my feet. New shoes are not in the budget. My follow through lately does not warrant straying from the budget.

Oh what to do?

Then I remembered...(or God whispered) that I held on to my most favorite running shoes every time I purged my closet. I just couldn't part with them. So many memories. So many miles. I found them tucked neatly in their box in the top of my closet. Grey where they used to be white. Tattered laces and worn soles.

I got totally sentimental with these shoes. These shoes saw me through the Couch to 5K program, they saw my first miles, they saw me transform and my mileage climb. They saw me through a divorce and a breakdown. Through applying to law school and trying to sell my house. They saw me through flat broke and my goal weight. They saw me through hot hot summer afternoon runs when I had been to lazy or busy to do it in the morning but too devoted to skip them. They saw me through track time, lake white and bristol village. They saw me through days when I felt fast and proud and days when I was sure I couldn't take another step. I logged hundreds miles in those shoes. I remember how excited when the Nike Plus reported that I had hit 200. Those shoes saw me through the most turbulent time of my life.

It only seemed fitting to pull them out. After all, I was getting back to basics and the things I learned during that very time period. I know those shoes have went beyond the recommended mileage for running shoes but I bought some new insoles and laced them up. 6 days back together. We are like a couple of old friends. I know I need to get fitted once the budget allows or my follow through warrants it...especially with the RA but for now...its me and my old shoes at 5am.

Looking back...moving forward

The last few weeks have been a serious time of reflection for me. It was no secret that bedrest for so long really did a number on my life and with that a nasty depression set in. Some of it lifted once the baby was born but it didn't disappear like I had hoped. I still had this anxious, bitter, short tempered thing brewing under the surface. The Bar Exam kept me distracted but once it was over...it was just me...being a me that I didn't like very much. I gave it a little time and space but instead of passing...it just festered.

I started working through The Artist Way again. The last time I did it was during one of the roughest patches in my life and I came out the other side stronger. I figured when all else fails, do what worked before? Well...that simple thought lead to big revelations.

What did I do before when I felt like my entire life had fallen apart, money was beyond tight and I had no idea when and if things were going to come together?

I took care of myself. I wrote, I ran, I took some time of out each week to do little things just for me. I focused on the things I had control over and could make better. I was strong and fit and happy! Even before things came together. I was happy in spite of the circumstances and even happier when life's tides turned.

So how was it that in the worst time of my life I was the kindest to myself?

Then the other pieces of my life slowly fell into place...one by one and I slowly stopped doing all of things that I was doing to keep me in my happy place. As life got better and better...the things out of my control...I stopped doing the things in my control. I didn't run, I didn't write, I didn't do a thing for myself. Results? A bitter, jaded, moody momma. No one wants to live with that. Regardless of finances, job stresses or whatever else life has dealt...I can still run. I can still write. I can still do the little things that keep me in my happy place. Simple yet life changing when implemented.

So I started writing. I started doing a few of the little things. I just finished reading Run Like a Mother. So tomorrow the alarm is set for 5am and I am claiming some me time before the boys are even out of bed. Returning to my happy place.