Superwoman?

But where is my cape?

After I passed the Bar Exam I received the nicest messages from so many people. "Superwoman" was a word I heard a lot that day. When the congrats started rolling in I immediately started replying "haha. thanks but really I am trainwreck." It was a busy day and congrats were pouring in. I stopped replying. At the end of the day, I logged in and was overwhelmed by the outpour of kindness and congrats.

Superwoman was the last thing I felt like.

Superwoman is not what I see. I see the apartment that never quite gets clean or never stays that way. I see the 40lbs of law school weight that I still need to lose( not the 45lbs that I have since June). I see the marathons that I haven't run. I see my "Walmart Parenting" moments. But maybe that isn't what other people see? Maybe its time to cut myself a little slack. Focus on the things that I'm getting right...pretend that I am Superwoman for a day...without her cape.

Trick or Treat 2010

Our first trick or treat with two kiddos...it proved to be a welcome distraction from waiting on bar results and another example of the sacrifices a big brother makes. For nearly 7 years it was just Kobey. That all changed in a flash with Kaiser's arrival. Kobey has been an amazingly good sport about his life getting turned upside down. There hasn't been any jealousy and he is all about his big brother duties. I am so proud of him and the way he has handled it all.

My heart aches for him at the same time. Trick or treat was a perfect example. I promised that we would walk around the neighborhood with one of his friends. We were running a little behind and they left without us. Kobey was so disappointed and REALLY wanted to try to catch up to them. "please mom...hurry!" he begged just as his little brother threw a screaming fit in the stroller. Everything had to stop to attempt to calm the screaching tiger. Kob looked back at me so disappointed but didn't say a word. He didn't complain and got over it quickly.
Yet another example of how nothing is about him anymore. We are all at the mercy of our new addition...including big brother.














Trick or Treat 2010-The kiddos were adorable. Brutus and my little tiger.

I PASSED THE OHIO BAR EXAM!!!!

Results were released yesterday. I did it. Really did. Even with the baby and bedrest and all the nonsense. I did it.

Its over.



I pulled my old blog to look back at when the journey was just beginning.
Oh how far Ive come...





Thursday, August 16, 2007



I'm a big girl now..



Current mood: accomplished



So...today is the big day. My new adventure begins. Officially begins. Opening Convocation Ceremony at Capital Law School. Oath of Professionalism. Presentation of the Gavels. All sounds very important, doesn't it? I bought a new suit yesterday. New purse and shoes are on the to do list for today. Even at 29 years old, it feels like I am playing dress up! But I'm not. I AM DOING THIS. Really doing it. Chasing a dream that I haven't been brave enough to chase or fool enough to let go. It has been floating around since I was a kid. And the time is now.

I have found myself in panic this week. Feeling overwhelmed by the specifics of law school and the curveballs life is throwing at me. Seriously feeling like I was in over my head and wanting to run home. Run somewhere. Somewhere familiar. Where I know something for certain. Where I feel safe and in control...even if I'm not. But today the tides turn and I chose to have a better attitude and focus on the amazing opportunity at hand. And give myself enough credit to know that I will be fine. And remember the most growth and the greatest treasures always come when you stretch yourself past all that is comfortable...push yourself to the brink of panic...take a deep breath and step forward anyway.

7:42 AM





Sunday, November 11, 2007

1L

Current mood: determined

Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

1L is what first year law students are called. I keep trying to explain to my friends and family who are in the "real world" rather than the alter existence known as law school, what its really like or why I can't go to things or just what all the fuss is about. I have failed miserably in doing so but last night I picked up the classic book "1L" that tells the tale of a 1st year law student in the 70's. I planned to read it over Christmas break but I read a few pages before I fell asleep last night. Alot has changed since the 70's but in the preface I found my explanation that perfectly captured how i feel...

" By Friday my will will be so brittle from sleeplessness and pressure and intellectual fatigue that I will not be certain I can make it through the day. After years off, I have begun to smoke cigarettes again; lately, I seem to be drinking a little every night. I do not have time to read a novel or a magazine, and I am so far removed from the news of world events that I often feel as if I have fallen off the dark side of the planet. I am distracted at most times and have difficulty keeping up a conversation, even with my wife. At random instants, I am likely to be strictened with acute feelings of panic, depression, indefinite need, and the pep talks and irony I practice on myself only seem to make it worse.

I am a law student in my first year at the law, and there are many moments when I am simply a mess."

8:49 AM





Sunday, November 11, 2007

Ongoing thoughts...1L

Current mood: productive

I love the feeling of reading something that explains exactly how I feel....only better than I ever could've. I have a feeling that this book is going to be full of those and I am only on page 17(but why am I reading this instead of typing contract notes???) I think I am going to record them here as I go....just to have them to look back on.

9/3/75(near midnight)

"Tried tonight to read a case for the first time. It is harder than hell...

(text ommitted)

OK. It was nine o'clock when I started reading. The case is four pages long and at 10:35 I finished. It was something like stirring concrete with my eyelashes. I had no idea what half the worlds meant. I must have opened Blacks Law Dictionary 25 times and I still can't understand many of the definitions. There are notations and numbers throughout the case whose purpose baffles me. And even now I'm not crystal clear on what the court finally decided to do. ...

(text ommitted)

Twenty minutes ago, I threw up my hands and quit. I feel overheated and a little bit nervous. I wouldn't be quite so upset if I weren't going to be reading cases every day and if understanding them weren't so important.

(text ommitted)

Well, tonight, the common law has prevailed over me, beaten me back. I suppose it will not be the last time, I feel frustrated and disturbed.

I am going to sleep."

9:35 AM

Training Partner

I hate to admit it but my dear Girlie has felt the brunt of the changes around here. We used to walk or run at least once per day and she went everywhere with me in my old jeep. When the RA worsened and the workload increased, the runs turned to walks and they weren't everyday. When bedrest hit, the walks turned to Chad opening the door for her to pee. With a baby on the way on a law student budget, the jeep had to be sold. Poor me and poor Girlie.

Then I started walking again. The stroller and the dog seemed like too much so she would watch sadly from the upstairs window. Then I felt ready to run again...starting slowly. After reading Run Like a Mother, it was obvious that if I was going to be serious about training it was going to have to be in the morning. Early in the morning. So for the last two weeks, my alarm rings at 4:50am. I stumble down the stairs-repeating "dont think, just go" over and over again. I start the Kuerig, climb into my clothes, chug the coffee and head out the door...with my dear Girlie. She is so happy.I remember that we used to be friends, the mutt and me. Before life got so crazy and so hectic. We ran and we rode with the wind blowing. It was pretty simple. Quiet companionship. And now we have our mornings. And apparently I am accountable to her. Last Thursday was my "rest" day. At 4:50am this quiet, well mannered dog was whining bedside, jumping and licking my legs. "get up! lets do this!" she seemed to be saying. This morning I hit snooze thinking I would just take Kai with me in the jogger later today. 4:50am-there she was. Jazzed and ready to go. So I have a training partner...with a built in alarm for our training schedule. Perfect quiet companionship.Me and Girlie.

Old Shoes

I had been tossing around what to do about my feet. RA has wrecked them and my current running shoes-while sassy and expensive-kill my feet. New shoes are not in the budget. My follow through lately does not warrant straying from the budget.

Oh what to do?

Then I remembered...(or God whispered) that I held on to my most favorite running shoes every time I purged my closet. I just couldn't part with them. So many memories. So many miles. I found them tucked neatly in their box in the top of my closet. Grey where they used to be white. Tattered laces and worn soles.

I got totally sentimental with these shoes. These shoes saw me through the Couch to 5K program, they saw my first miles, they saw me transform and my mileage climb. They saw me through a divorce and a breakdown. Through applying to law school and trying to sell my house. They saw me through flat broke and my goal weight. They saw me through hot hot summer afternoon runs when I had been to lazy or busy to do it in the morning but too devoted to skip them. They saw me through track time, lake white and bristol village. They saw me through days when I felt fast and proud and days when I was sure I couldn't take another step. I logged hundreds miles in those shoes. I remember how excited when the Nike Plus reported that I had hit 200. Those shoes saw me through the most turbulent time of my life.

It only seemed fitting to pull them out. After all, I was getting back to basics and the things I learned during that very time period. I know those shoes have went beyond the recommended mileage for running shoes but I bought some new insoles and laced them up. 6 days back together. We are like a couple of old friends. I know I need to get fitted once the budget allows or my follow through warrants it...especially with the RA but for now...its me and my old shoes at 5am.

Looking back...moving forward

The last few weeks have been a serious time of reflection for me. It was no secret that bedrest for so long really did a number on my life and with that a nasty depression set in. Some of it lifted once the baby was born but it didn't disappear like I had hoped. I still had this anxious, bitter, short tempered thing brewing under the surface. The Bar Exam kept me distracted but once it was over...it was just me...being a me that I didn't like very much. I gave it a little time and space but instead of passing...it just festered.

I started working through The Artist Way again. The last time I did it was during one of the roughest patches in my life and I came out the other side stronger. I figured when all else fails, do what worked before? Well...that simple thought lead to big revelations.

What did I do before when I felt like my entire life had fallen apart, money was beyond tight and I had no idea when and if things were going to come together?

I took care of myself. I wrote, I ran, I took some time of out each week to do little things just for me. I focused on the things I had control over and could make better. I was strong and fit and happy! Even before things came together. I was happy in spite of the circumstances and even happier when life's tides turned.

So how was it that in the worst time of my life I was the kindest to myself?

Then the other pieces of my life slowly fell into place...one by one and I slowly stopped doing all of things that I was doing to keep me in my happy place. As life got better and better...the things out of my control...I stopped doing the things in my control. I didn't run, I didn't write, I didn't do a thing for myself. Results? A bitter, jaded, moody momma. No one wants to live with that. Regardless of finances, job stresses or whatever else life has dealt...I can still run. I can still write. I can still do the little things that keep me in my happy place. Simple yet life changing when implemented.

So I started writing. I started doing a few of the little things. I just finished reading Run Like a Mother. So tomorrow the alarm is set for 5am and I am claiming some me time before the boys are even out of bed. Returning to my happy place.

Blessed.

I have devoted a fair amount of energy to feeling sorry for myself lately. This bedrest business has not been my cup of tea. I feel like someone hit pause on my well planned agenda while the world outside my window is carrying on as normal. Like everything is spinning out of my control.

But today...I feel blessed. A little change in my attitude has made a big difference. Granted I don't like pause, it is forcing me to step back a little. And I am reminded that it is all out of my control anyway. So I might as well take a deep breath and let it all unfold as it may. I am not charge and sometimes that is a good thing. ;)

Bedrest

Seeing how I am confined to a queen size rectangle of space...it seems like as good a time as any to pick back up on the blogging.



Bedrest. Dr. ordered torture. I hate it.



I am trying to have a good attitude. And think of the little guy and how much it will all be worth it in the end. But really...I am over it. And a little bit bitter.



I mean...I was cruising alone just fine. Better than fine even. This pregnancy was a breeze compared to my first. Little to no vomitting. 14 hours days many days and I was doing A-ok. Work was going great. Dream job seemed to be in the pipe. Creeping up on law school graduation. Living the dream and thinking I could have a few more kids down the road.



WRONG.



25 weeks. Indescribable headache that would not go away. Skyhigh bloodpressure. Dr freaks. PREECLAMSIA. and its too early to deliver the little guy unless we absolutely HAVE to.



Solution? Yup. Bedrest. 24/7. Confined to my bed. The good news is that I don't have to be in the hospital yet. Although the threat of it keeps me following orders. Or mostly following orders. My labs have been stable for 2 weeks so I am still at home. For that, I am thankful.



The rest pretty much sucks.



Most of the time, my head hurts too bad to work much. Its really the craziest of headaches. I have "to do" lists for pages but can only do so much of it from this spot. And it turns out that husbands do not "nest." And their idea of "clean" and yours are somewhat different. And sometimes it is easier to be thirsty than to constantly have to bother someone. And who knew I would feel so guilty?



But I do know its necessary and for a good cause. And I am totally willing to do it. Just not be happy about it, I guess.

My Boys

Things seem crazy and hectic lately and everything is up in the air but I look at these two faces and I can't help but smile. I love these boys. These mischievious, farting to irritate me, learn the same lessons over and over boys. They have learned to work together against me and sometimes work together to surprise me. They make me so mad that I could scream and so happy I could cry. They make me laugh. They laugh at me. Hard to believe that soon there will be one more boy in the mix. Life has a funny way of turning out.

MIA: Return with a Collection of My Fav Anne Lamott Quotes

Life has had a way of reminding me of alot of things lately. Nothing is certain. Faith is hard. I control about 1/100th of the things that I sometimes think I do. This big crazy world is spinning around. So I did what I always do when every thing seems more than I can bare and I feel so ill equiped to even attempt to handle things...I whisper, Anne's little prayer. "Help." Then as some time passes and a little grace creeps in, I return to the living and look for my copy of Traveling Mercies or Grace Eventually or just my collection of her quotes. Anne makes me smile and not feel so broken and I get back to work. Thought I would post my favorites here but I couldn't find one of my favorites...about the wailing wall...

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." — Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

"I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us." — Anne Lamott

"You can either practice being right or practice being kind." — Anne Lamott

"I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish." — Anne Lamott

"And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore." — Anne Lamott (Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year)


"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." — Anne Lamott

"I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me--that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns." — Anne Lamott (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith)

"It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said 'do the best you can with these, they will have to do'. And mostly, against all odds, they do. " — Anne Lamott (Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith)

"You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." — Anne Lamott

"You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." — Anne Lamott

"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining." — Anne Lamott

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it." — Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

""I wish grace and healing were more abracadabra kind of things. Also, that delicate silver bells would ring to announce grace's arrival. But no, it's clog and slog and scootch, on the floor, in the silence, in the dark."" — Anne Lamott (Grace [Eventually]: Thoughts on Faith)

"Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are. From her graduation commencement address to Berkeley." — Anne Lamott

"Not forgiving is like drinking cat poison and then waiting for the rat to die." — Anne Lamott

"Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there." — Anne Lamott

"Sometimes grace works like water wings when you feel you are sinking." — Anne Lamott (Grace [Eventually]: Thoughts on Faith)

"'I liked those ladies! They were helpers, and they danced.' These are the words I want on my gravestone: that I was a helper, and that I danced." — Anne Lamott (Grace [Eventually]: Thoughts on Faith)

"Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. You're done. It doesn't necessarily mean that you want to have lunch with the person. If you keep hitting back, you stay trapped in the nightmare..." — Anne Lamott (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith)